I’m cheating with a married man who lied about getting divorced but I can’t leave him

DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner told me he divorced his wife 19 years ago, but it was a lie.

I am 63 and my partner is 65.

We met when we were in our forties and have been together for 23 years.

He had been recommended to me by a friend for some painting and decorating in my home.

He spent three weeks completely redecorating the whole house and I was delighted with the results.

On the last day, he asked me if I’d like to go for a drink.

I rebuffed him saying I didn’t go for married men.

To which he replied “married on paper but in no other way”.

So I agreed and we had a great night down at my local pub.

He told me he fancied me and that he was celibate and getting divorced.

I explained I liked him too but would want my own space. He seemed delighted.

After a couple of glasses of wine I invited him back to mine where we had very intense sex.

I repeatedly asked him when his divorce would come through and eventually — four years on — found out he had never even asked for a divorce.

I was furious and finished with him.

He swore he and his wife lived completely separate lives and he claims she isn’t strong enough to be on her own.

We still see each other at weekends and he is still married. But now I’ve had enough.

I have given him three months to start divorce proceedings.

If he doesn’t, I will end our relationship.

I don’t like it when people give me ultimatums, but I feel I need to give him one. Am I wrong to do this?

DEIDRE SAYS: Ultimatums should be the last option for achieving the results you would like.

Only give one if you are ready to go through with it – otherwise it remains an empty threat.

At least try to get him to talk about why he is resistant to move your relationship forward when it means so much to you.

My support pack When Your Man Won’t Commit explains more.

Remind yourself that a marriage certificate is no guarantee of happiness and commitment.

You have been his mistress for over two decades, which suggests he is very unlikely to make the break you want.

So if you are looking for real commitment, you will have to be the one to call time.

My support pack Ending A Relationship can help you.