How can I stay in my marriage knowing I’m my husband’s back up plan?

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my husband came crawling back after leaving me for another woman, I felt like my prayers had been answered.  

But now I’ve learnt his lover dumped him because their initial strong sexual attraction didn’t last.

I’d spent months wishing for the day he’d wake up and realise what he’d lost. But now it turns out I was merely his second choice. 

He’s 50, I’m 47 and we’ve been married for 19 years. We have two grown-up children.

When he sat me down eight months ago and told me he had met someone else, my heart shattered. 

He’d been embroiled in an affair with a colleague for almost a year. 

I was a mess and couldn’t imagine life without him. 

As the months passed I started to accept he had moved on and my hope began to diminish.

So when I saw him standing on my doorstep I was completely taken aback. He begged me for forgiveness and promised he would never make the same mistake again. 

I should have been over the moon, but I couldn’t shake this nagging feeling that something was amiss. 

So I contacted the woman he left me for.

To my surprise, she told me that she’d broken things off with him as she felt they were better off as friends and the initial passion died out quickly.

Now I feel completely stuck.

I love him but how can I stay knowing I’m only his back-up plan?

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable that you’re feeling bruised.

Ultimately your husband broke your trust and has given you every reason to feel insecure in your relationship.

However, if you still love him and want to make things work your trust can be rebuilt over time. 

Talk to him openly and honestly and explain how he has made you feel.

It’s his place now to reassure you of his feelings and prove to you that you are the one he wants. 

Your relationship will never move forward if you always feel like an option and not the prize.

Read my support packs Cheating – Can You Get Over It? and Looking After Your Relationship to help.

The two of you could also benefit from some couples counselling.
 Contact tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) to arrange this.