I just ended a 3-year, heterosexual relationship, and now, I want to date women. But I'm too scared to start.

• I just ended a 3-year heterosexual relationship and now I want to start dating women seriously.
• But I don't really understand what it would be like to be with a woman, and that scares me.
• I'm also standing in my own way because women intimidate me.

I spent the last three years of my life in a heterosexual and monogamous relationship, and it suddenly ended. Out of nowhere, I found myself in the weird vortex of apps and casual dating.

At this point, I've seen everything men have to offer: The stoner who broke up with me at 6 a.m. at a bus stop and the guy that talked nonstop about his relationship problems. 

Since the breakup, I haven't gone out on a date with any women — even though I'm bisexual. I've casually dated women in the past in short bursts, but nothing has happened in years. Now that I'm single, I'm finally ready to start dating women seriously, but there's a lot standing in my way.

Mainly, I haven't really gone out with women because I don't fully understand what to expect

For me, men have always been an open book. Though I wouldn't call them transparent, it's always been easy to know and comprehend what they expect from me. I understand if they're looking for love or for sex — or for that weird mix of love and friendship.

But women, for me, are a whole different experience. As an outsider looking in, sapphic relationships seem so much more complex.

I largely blame my confusion on watching too many lesbian movies directed for the male gaze and then shaping my concept of queer dating around those Hollywood depictions. In movies, sapphic relationships are tumultuous, complicated, and full of sad endings. 

My very short-lived dating experiences with other women happened ages ago, so I never truly learned what it means to be with a woman.

In this recently found singlehood, I have come to realize what mainly keeps me from going out with other women: me

Recognizing myself as the main obstacle has been a bit liberating. For one, it gives me material to brag about to my therapist — because let's be real, we all want our shrink to think we are becoming a self-aware girlie who connects with her feelings. 

But all jokes aside, the truth is that women intimidate me. I'm assuming that years of external questioning of my own desires and internalized biphobia have made their mark and rewired my brain. 

Whenever I match with a gal on a dating app, I always get nervous and intimated; I'm overcome with a wave of doubt. I worry that I'm not sapphic enough, I worry that I won't match her expectations, and I worry that I'll get performance paralysis and forget where the clitoris is. 

The doubts about my own queerness and my fear of queer women are standing in my way. 

For now, I'm taking a break from dating entirely to focus on myself

Sure, I want to date women and explore my queerness, but I've realized I need to do some work on myself first. 

I've been dating a lot since my breakup. In a way, this constant search for companionship feels like an adrenaline rush. I quickly fall in and out of love with the first person that I come across. But this search hasn't given me space to understand what I'm looking for and what I truly want. In this confusion, my anxiety around dating other women has become this scary cloud that I never actively work on breaking down. 

Taking a break from seeing other people might be the way to spend time with my mind and work on my doubts and fears that I need.

While attempting to figure out how to rewire my brain and learn not to be so intimidated by women, I'm pausing my dating-app activity for a while.