The rise of friendship therapy — a service for friends to navigate life changes and manage different communication styles

• Friendship therapy is becoming more common for those who hope to repair and maintain friendships.
• But it can be a big, time-consuming financial investment, as well. 
• Here's how it works, the best way to suggest it to a friend, and questions to ask before you try it.

There is no shortage of friendship advice online. 

Whether you read advice columns, dig through comments on online forums, or scroll through social media, you'll find a lot of opinions on how to handle myriad friendship conflicts.

Some of these issues can spell the end of the relationship altogether. In fact, a recent YouGov survey found that two-thirds of responding Americans say they've ended a friendship — and 50% of respondents say they've been the one who a friend dumped. 

But what do we do when we're unsure if the friendship is worth saving?

Some people are turning to "friendship therapy" for answers.

Since the pandemic, the popularity of friendship therapy has risen 

Blake Blankenbecler is a therapist and the founder of Fig Holistic Psychotherapy, based in South Carolina. She's worked with people navigating conflict in their platonic relationships and has recently seen an increase in people seeking out this type of therapy.

"Five or six years ago, friendship therapy wasn't much of a conversation. But since the pandemic, people seem more open to talking about their friendships and the conflicts they're having within these relationships," she said.

Blankenbecler also pointed to cultural shifts that may contribute to the trend.

"There are people estranged from their parents. The community of child-free people is growing. With all these relational changes, we're thinking about what it looks like to have a 'chosen family,'" Blankenbecler said.

When we see our friends as family, we become more willing to invest in maintaining these relationships.

Why people go to friendship therapy 

While there are many different types of conflicts that arise between friends, the most common issue is navigating life changes.

"When there's some sort of personal transition, they want to know how to keep their friendships while going through these really hard changes," Blankenbecler said.

That's true for Janelle, a woman in her early 40s who attended friendship therapy with her best friend of more than 20 years.

"We had different communication styles that I'd always managed, but after I had a baby, I was struggling to figure out how to balance motherhood with my career. My friend didn't have kids yet, and she kept saying things that were completely invalidating my experience. I knew she loved me, but I didn't feel supported or understood," Janelle said. 

When two friends try to explain their hurts and expectations, the message can get lost if one or both feels anxious or emotionally dysregulated, or finds they're leaning into certain tendencies such as people-pleasing or defensiveness. A therapist can help mediate and equip friends with strategies or phrases to communicate their needs more effectively.

Blankenbecler said it's similar to couple's therapy. "My job is to help people hear each other and coach the dialogue along. I'm usually helping them get down to the simple truths they're too afraid to say," she said. 

For Janelle, a month of weekly sessions made a major difference in her friendship. "Therapy exposed the hurts that we weren't addressing. After our sessions, I felt safer and she did, too. We established parameters and received tools that helped us completely unlock better communication and more respect for each other," she said.

Janelle also saw the role that personal issues can have in the way we approach our friendships. Issues including problems with real or perceived abandonment shape the way we engage with our friends. Therapists are trained to specifically help identify and unpack those issues. Turning to therapy with a friend can help unlock new levels of respect and compassion. The skills clients learn and the insights they uncover can then help them improve not only their friendships, but other relationships as well.

How to know if friendship therapy is right for you

Janelle knew right away that friendship therapy was necessary for her relationship. "I've had friendships that faded out, but in the end, I realized they were superficial. When I chose to go to friendship therapy, it was with someone who was worth the work. We're like family, and she really sees me. This friendship was just too important," she said. 

However, friendship therapy might not be appropriate for every friend or situation, so ask yourself these questions to help you determine whether it's a good fit for you:

Is my friend willing to do the work? 

Therapy requires both parties to be vulnerable and honest. If your friend is just as willing as you are to find solutions to the challenges you're facing, it's worth your time.

Has this person been receptive in the past? 

Think about how this friend typically receives feedback. If they're willing to listen and take ownership of their mistakes, friendship therapy might be a productive experience.

When I review our friendship history, does the good outweigh the bad? 

Reflect on the value that this friendship brings to your life. Consider if the positive aspects of the relationship outweigh any negative dynamics. If not, reconsider your efforts to salvage the relationship.

Is this friendship worth the investment that therapy requires? 

Therapy requires a good amount of money and time. Review the financial costs of enlisting this kind of support and decide whether you'll be able to commit to consistently showing up for your sessions.

How to invite a friend to therapy 

If you're dealing with a friend who already sees the value in individual therapy, that's a good sign. Simply ask if they're open to going to therapy with you, and even offer your own weaknesses as a reason for the suggestion.

"You can say something like, 'I know I can get defensive sometimes, so it might be good to have someone around who can help us have this conversation,'" Blankenbecler said. This strategy can help your friend to buy into the idea.

If you feel self-conscious about suggesting friendship therapy, it can help to remember that the act is a demonstration of your concern for the friendship.

"Remember we never learned how to do this. It's hard to openly admit 'I don't know how to do this' and invite support. But I think it's quite brave," Blankenbecler said.