The common reason why you aren’t achieving your dreams – and 6 steps to help you get back on track
IF you’re feeling stuck, self-sabotage could be the culprit.
Here’s how to combat it.
Remember being told you could do anything once you’d grown up
The job, the house, the family – you could have it all if you just worked hard enough!
And it hasn’t changed.
Nowadays, thanks largely to social media, we are constantly reminded to hustle for what we want and be the best, healthiest, smartest version of ourselves.
It’s a lot of pressure.
And what if, despite our best intentions to strive for greatness, we’re getting in our own way?
A little procrastination here, a little criticism there… we can all be guilty of self-sabotage, both at work and when it comes to our relationships.
“It’s likely we’ve all sabotaged our own success on one or more occasions,” says confidence coach Georgie Clarke. “
Whether you use intentional action or inaction to do this, self-sabotaging behaviour prevents you from progressing towards your goals and desires.”
Here’s how to break the habit and stop holding yourself back.
What self-sabotage looks like
Bailing on Couch To 5k, ghosting that promising new relationship, never getting back to that potential friend you just met, “forgetting” to follow up on an interesting job opening, having another gin and tonic the night before a big presentation… self-sabotage can take many forms.
“It could be not starting something, but equally, it may be not leaving something – a toxic relationship, a job that’s affecting your mental health or a project you’ve started but never finished,” explains Georgie.
“You may self-sabotage your romantic relationships from a fear of intimacy, which can present in a number of ways, including criticising a partner, always looking for an exit strategy, jealousy and trust issues.
“These traits usually point towards an underlying fear of abandonment, or a fear of engulfment (feeling overwhelmed or eclipsed), so you may unknowingly self-sabotage by keeping a distance, preventing deeper connection.”
At work, where 77% of us experience imposter syndrome (feeling like a fraud and doubting your abilities), self-sabotage can emerge in different ways.*
“You may sabotage a promotion out of a fear of failure and a lack of self-esteem, so you never even go for it,” says Georgie.
It’s not them, it’s you
It’s easy to make excuses, to blame your partner for not understanding you, a spiteful boss for crushing your promotion hopes or your new trainers for being too uncomfortable to wear, but the one culprit we often overlook is ourselves.
“It’s common to name, blame and shame others to avoid the underlying cause of our self-sabotaging behaviour.
“It ultimately requires courage to be with the parts of ourselves that feel painful or unworthy,” says Georgie.
When you’re unsure how to bring your goals and plans to fruition, or worse, you let fear stop you from trying, Georgie warns it can lead to an uncomfortable level of frustration, putting personal and professional relationships in jeopardy.
“Without awareness of self-sabotaging behaviour, you continue to play out the same destructive patterns over and over again, often avoiding responsibility for them, which ends up impacting your mental health, career progression, personal relationships and overall wellbeing, success and fulfilment,” Georgie says.
Don’t be too hard on yourself
Byron Morrison, performance coach and author of Maybe You Should Give Up, points out it’s not all our fault.
“Your subconscious mind has been wired to survive, not thrive,” he says.
“It wants to keep everything the same: the same amount of weight on your body, the same types of relationships, the same amount of wealth, happiness and joy, because everything in your past has survived, meaning it’s far safer than anything new.
“But your goals, dreams and changes you want to make are new, meaning they bring with them an inherent risk.
“That’s why, whenever you start making progress, your brain can fill your head with self-sabotaging thoughts.
“What if you fail? What if you’re not good enough? What if you can’t get it right?
“This is its defence mechanism to stop you taking action, because it wants to keep you safe.”
Time to stop
Putting an end to self-sabotage starts with a very small, specific change – awareness.
“Recognising when you are engaging in self-sabotage, and the triggers and steps that lead to it, can change the course of your thoughts,” explains Lee Pycroft, psychotherapist at wellness platform Goldster.
“Observe and question negative beliefs and thoughts, and ask yourself if they’re really your own thoughts or a projection of someone else’s.
“Challenge whether it’s a legitimate concern or one that comes from fear.”
6 Tips To Put A Stop To Self-Sabotage
If you’re spotting the signs, it’s time to get out of your own way and start achieving your goals.
Develop deeper self-awareness
“Spend five to 10 minutes a day journaling about your behaviour patterns to understand where they’re coming from.
“Are there repeating patterns? When do they occur? What triggers them?
“From this awareness, you are actively shifting patterns from your unconscious into your conscious mind, which allows you to influence and modify them,” says Georgie.
Set realistic goals
“Break down your work and life goals into smaller, manageable steps and make sure you celebrate your progress along the way.
“This can help build momentum and motivation,” says Lee.
Become aware of internal conflicts
“Ask yourself if your behaviour is aligning with your values or goals in life.
“Do you feel a constant ‘push-pull’? Do you say one thing, then do another?” asks Georgie.
Practise compassionate self-acceptance
“Instead of shaming yourself for behaving in a certain way, develop self-compassion and self-acceptance.
“Now that you have identified the root cause of your behaviour, consider why it makes sense that you may act or think in that way,” says Georgie.
Use your imagination
Trying to achieve something specific?
“Vividly imagine what you will be doing as you cultivate and take each step towards it,” says Lee.
“How will you be standing, looking, breathing, talking?”
Own your emotions
“Rather than making your feelings the fault of external factors, learn that you – and only you – are responsible for your feelings,” says Georgie.
“Developing the capacity to acknowledge, witness and ‘be’ with your emotions, rather than avoiding and projecting them on to others, will help get you back into the driver’s seat of your life, empowering you to take control of your behaviour, rather than relying on others to give you what you want.”