Vicki Larson: Sometimes the best way to help is by listening

I was on the way to the dog park a few weeks ago, my typical morning routine, when a woman saw me coming down the pathway, waited and then stopped me.

I’m being sexually trafficked, she told me, and I need help.

Even though I’ve lived in Marin for more than three decades and have worked at the IJ and other local newspapers for almost as long, I was somewhat stunned. Yes, I know Marin is not immune from sex trafficking, but where would I direct her to? How could I help her? My first thought was to get her to the police, which as it happens was just a few blocks away. I offered to walk her there.

No, she told me. She’d already went there. They were dismissive of her, she said.

Then I suggested the Center for Domestic Peace in San Rafael, although in the moment I wasn’t sure the center helps those affected by sex trafficking, but she told me they weren’t going to help her either.

As she and I continued to talk, I could tell that something was amiss. She didn’t appear dangerous to herself, me or anyone else, but her stories became increasingly fanciful and maybe going to the police or the CDP wasn’t exactly what she needed. Except I didn’t exactly know what she needed and I didn’t quite know how to help her.

Spread my story, she said, even though I didn’t really know her story and wasn’t 100% sure I would know it no matter how long we spent together talking. I said I would try, wished her the best, pointed her in the direction of a water fountain (she was thirsty) and hurried off to meet my friends at the dog park.

But our brief encounter stayed with me for a while. I know whom to call for lost or injured pets, wildlife and marine mammals. People in distress? Not so much. And so I felt helpless.

Yet, like many people in Marin and elsewhere, I want to help those who need it. And like many people in Marin and elsewhere, I don’t always know what to do.

That was evident when residents rallied to help an unhoused man who often slept in the doorway of Mill Valley’s Throckmorton Theatre, shuttered during the pandemic. They tossed out ideas on Nextdoor and raised a few thousand dollars for him on GoFundMe. That was more than two years ago, and the GoFundMe campaign for him is long over. Who knows where the man, known as Lawrence, is now.

At the time, I reached out to Lynn Murphy, the mental health liaison for the San Rafael Police Department.

Her advice for helping an unhoused person was pretty simple: say hello, acknowledge their presence, bring them some socks, a hat, a sandwich. If it feels comfortable, ask them about their life. If you want to do more, ask if they know about the available community services. Ask if they have a case manager. Many may not have a cellphone or may have lost it because of displacement or theft, and can’t easily access those services; perhaps make a call on their behalf. Do not give money.

All of that is doable, but the unhoused aren’t the only ones who should know about Marin’s available community services. We all should, and for a variety of crises.

Since my conversation with the woman, I learned that yes, the Center for Domestic Peace does indeed help those experiencing sex trafficking, as well as domestic violence. It has a 24-hour hotline in English and Spanish (415-924-6616), and programs for men and women. There’s also the Marin County Coalition to End Human Trafficking (1-888-372-8888, or text 233733).

Marin’s rape crisis center can be reached at 1-800-670-7273 and if you believe a child is being abused, the Marin County Children and Family Services hotline is 415-473-7153.

And there’s a new three-digit number, 988, for people experiencing a mental health, substance use or suicidal crisis that will route a caller to a local crisis center.

Most of us truly want to help others who are struggling. Too often we don’t know what to do or what to say, and so we do nothing. But just like more people are keeping Narcan, which can reverse a fentanyl overdose — a growing problem in Marin — in their first-aid kits, perhaps we should also have some important community resource numbers at our fingertips. That might help sometimes.

And sometimes, they won’t.

In retrospect, I realize that my distressed woman wasn’t really looking for someone to fix anything for her as much as someone to just listen to her. I listened for a bit but I — someone who listens to people’s stories professionally — could and should have listened longer.

Sometimes just acknowledging another person’s humanity is the best help we can offer. True, it may not solve any problems, but it’s certainly better than feeling helpless.

Vicki Larson’s So It Goes opinion column runs every other week. Contact her at vlarson@marinij.com.