Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

---

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I’m Alma and I’m 21. I just have concerns about myself when it comes to sexuality. I am no longer a virgin and currently I am not in a relationship, but recently I feel like I am seeking for sex which I don’t find normal. Is there anyway or any cure to stop this seeking I feel?

Thank you so much.

——

Dear Alma,

I would like to respond to your question but first – can you clarify what you mean by “I am seeking for sex”? What does this seeking involve?

——

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I feel like I want to have sex with a friend without any intention of having a relationship with them. I don’t want a commitment just sex, that’s how I feel about it. It started when I and my boyfriend broke up last July. Thank you.

——

Dear Alma,

Thank you for your answer. One last clarification. From your first post it seems that you think this is abnormal. Why is this? Do you want to have sex with people you do not know or who you dislike or
only with friends you like and can trust?

——

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I never go out or wanted to have sex with people I don’t know or hate but usually friends. It’s abnormal for me because I am longing for sex without the desire of being in a relationship. Am I being addicted to sex?

---

Dear Alma,

Thank you for your messages.

One of the problems faced by those who try to discourage premarital sex is that sex is generally not only free but (usually) extremely pleasurable and once experienced few people will want to forgo it without a very good reason.

During the centuries before reliable birth control, sex often led to unwanted pregnancy, which made it risky. Nowadays, wherever contraception is available, this is no longer necessarily the case. At the same time there has been a general rise in secularism and a reduction in the influence of religion.

Condemnations of premarital sex from the pulpit have lost some of their force, in part because of the endless sex abuse scandals besetting the Catholic church, and improved communications have opened people’s eyes to changes in morality in many parts of the world that previously they were unaware of.

Against this background, your desire to have sex without the trappings of a relationship sounds like a thoroughly normal attitude.

As for your question about sex addiction, Freud considered that “abnormality” was indicated if a person’s behavior prevented them from working or forming relationships (romantic or otherwise). By this definition there is absolutely no evidence that you are addicted to sex. You simply have a healthy enjoyment of it with a frequency entirely appropriate for someone your age.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Alma,

Thank you very much for your letter.

One of the most accurate, comprehensive yet easily relate-able definitions of sex addiction is from the Cleveland clinic.

I shall give a summary of what I feel are the most important aspects of it: “(It) is an intense focus on sexual fantasies, urges or activities that can’t be controlled and cause distress or harm your health, relationships, career or other aspects of your life…(What makes it a sex addiction) is that the craving for sex is similar to cravings felt for alcohol or drugs by those who have addictions to these substances. It’s an overwhelming compulsion or temptation that’s so strong you feel that you have to have it. It’s an out-of- control feeling, never feeling satisfied feeling or a constant battle to take control of something that’s on autopilot. You return to the behavior – over and over again – despite the negative consequences.”

Like Mr Baer, (and I hope, also like you, after having read the above description) I feel you are definitely not a sex addict.

The mere fact that you are worried you might be a sex addict shows an ability to slow down and think of the consequences not only of your actions, but of your feelings (worry over the possibility of being an addict, desire to stop this seeking if, indeed, it means an addiction) proves it is not a
compelling force that pushes you to behave a certain way.

What I would advise, therefore, is to continue being choosy about the people you might eventually sleep with. Choose friends or, at the very least, perhaps people whose integrity matches yours. This is one way of protecting yourself.

Usually, when “sex protection” comes up, the focus is on protection from an unwanted pregnancy and from a sexually transmitted disease. But there is more to sex protection than that.

Someone once said: “Nothing splinters the soul as much as waking up to an unknown person (in bed)”. I agree. So a good guideline might be: If the sex I have is a validating experience for the both of us, then to continue having it with this person seems a pretty good idea (or, at the very least, not a bad idea.)

Sometimes, however, the person can be really nice, a technically good lover, and responsive to both your sexual and emotional needs (including wanting to have sex without having a “relationship”); and yet STILL the sex leaves a lot to be desired.

This could be because of a million different things and it would be a good idea to explore why you feel this way. You can do it with a trusted friend who can be supportive but also objective and truthful. Or you could write us again. We would like that very much.

Until and IF such a thing happens, enjoy yourself and your newly discovered sexuality!

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.