I was devastated after my partner cheated but it was the best thing to ever happen to us – here’s why
DISCOVERING your partner has been unfaithful can feel like the end of the world.
But infidelity doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship.
In fact, it could be the best thing to happen to you and your partner, says Vicky Barzilay.
The 44-year-old mum of two discovered her partner of eight years, David Foster, 42, had been cheating after four years together, but she believes that despite the pain, the affair has ultimately made them stronger.
Vicky says: “David’s affair turned out to be the best gift imaginable. This crisis point in his life made us stronger in the long run.
“Three years on from his infidelity, we are now the happiest we have ever been, totally in love and planning to marry.”
She is not alone in this view, with one study claiming 39 per cent of people would forgive their partner if they were disloyal.
Relationship expert Alix Fox agrees that affairs can have plus points.
She says: “Affairs can swing like wrecking balls into relationships, as they destroy trust.
“But if a couple decide to carefully rebuild things together, they may actually end up stronger and happier than they were before.”
Wellness centre owner Vicky, from Great Dunmow, Essex, noticed that things started to turn sour with David early on, soon after she discovered she was pregnant.
She says: “I met David in 2014 through a dating website. I worked at a stables and was a devoted mum to my daughter Paige, then 15, from a previous relationship, and he just brought so much fun into my life.
“There were fireworks between us, and after five months we moved in together. A month later, we were over the moon to discover I was expecting.”
But the relationship quickly hit a bump in the road and Vicky soon suspected construction worker David was cheating.
She says: “David started going out and drinking all the time and I had a feeling that he was meeting other women.
“When I was a couple of months pregnant, I was using his laptop and a message popped up on his Facebook from a woman asking if he wanted to meet.
“I felt devastated and questioned him, but he said it was just a friend. He loved me so much, so I believed him.
“His nights out drinking became more regular, but when I gave birth to Harry in 2015, I pushed any worries I had about infidelity away.
“But I later found out he was meeting other women in pubs to flirt.”
As is often the case with couples, the arrival of the new baby had had a big impact on their relationship.
Vicky says: “I was in a happy bubble and pushed David to the side. He started drinking heavily and said, ‘You don’t love me any more’.
“I brushed it off as silly, but our sex life had stopped. David said he felt lonely and I didn’t sit down and talk to him, even though he was asking me to.
‘Our sex life had stopped’
“I felt I didn’t have time because of parenting a newborn.”
A survey by dating site for married people, Victoria Milan, found that 82 per cent of men who cheat are new parents.
And one medical study reported sexual incompatibility and a lack of communication and understanding as the number one cause for infidelity.
While she knows it was not her fault that David was unfaithful, Vicky says she can see now she did not consider his feelings enough.
She says: “I’m certainly not blaming myself for the affair, but I wasn’t taking what he was saying into consideration.
“Two years passed after the birth of Harry and we still had no sex life, and I felt that he was having an affair.
“I know now he was meeting other women but had no proof at the time.
“Messages would ping on his phone and I’d catch sight of a woman’s name, but he’d brush it off. I felt sick and hurt.
Two years after the birth of Harry and we still had no sex life. I felt that he was having an affair.
Vicky Barzilay
“He clearly had a drinking problem and I believed this was leading to him talking to other women, but he never admitted it.
“By January 2020, I had a gut-wrenching suspicion he was cheating on me, but I had no proof.
“Believing that you shouldn’t stay with a cheater, I finally snapped and ended the relationship a month later. All the uncertainty and unhappiness was making me feel depressed.”
It was while they were in the process of separating that Vicky finally got confirmation of the affair.
She says: “He was living in a houseshare and begging to come home when I received a message on Facebook from a woman I didn’t know, claiming to be in a relationship with David.
“She said they had been together for a year. I was knocked sideways with shock and it upset me deeply.
“It was so hurtful to realise this was going on while we were living together.
“I called David on the phone, shaking.
“He denied the affair had been going on for a year, but that was all he could say. He was so upset.
“I was heartbroken and David realised he’d ruined our relationship and there was no coming back from it.”
Just weeks later, David crashed his car into a ditch and, while he only suffered minor injuries, he told Vicky afterwards that he did not want to live any more.
Despite her anger, Vicky asked him to move back in with her so she could help him.
She says: “I needed David to be mentally well for his son. The relationship with the other woman was over but that made no difference to me.
“I ordered him to get help with his drinking, but I was no longer romantically involved with him.
I’m completely dedicated to Vicky, my son and
David Foster
the business now. I never wanted to hurt her and I am gutted I did.
“He got help from Alcoholics Anonymous and that was a turning point. He was grounded and happy for the first time since Harry was born.”
Slowly, over the course of six months, Vicky felt her romantic feelings return.
She says: “He completely changed and I looked at him differently. Suddenly I was feeling the old loving feelings for him.
“David started studying meditation, he never drank and he became the best dad.
“Occasionally he’d put his arm around me, or go to kiss me and I wouldn’t brush him off.
“I started to trust him again and we started to sleep in the same bed.
“I never felt I needed to talk about the affair or to tell him he could never be unfaithful again.
“On my birthday, six months after he’d moved back in, he wrote, ‘Will you marry me please?’, on my dressing table mirror in lipstick, and put a ring below it.
“It made me cry. I put the ring on and said yes. He seemed so happy and we had a lovely meal out.
“We made tentative steps towards having a sex life again, too.
“From then on, our relationship has been stable, happy and perfect and we’re now planning our wedding.”
Research shows that some spouses become more sexually attracted to their partner post-affair, with their increased desire reportedly being down to them “staking their claim”.
‘It makes me cringe’
Vicky laughs this off and says: “I don’t know if that’s true, but the affair was actually a wake-up call for us.
“The betrayal hurt, but it’s been a gift as it seems to be the thing that switched something on in David’s brain to get help with his drinking. And David’s change inspired me to change my life too.
“I gave up part-time carer work I had taken alongside the stable work and went back to college. Now I run my own successful well-being business, Retreat Rooms, alongside David.
“Good people do bad things sometimes, but I know that he has good morals. I don’t check his phone because I completely trust him, and know we’ll always be together.
“Our relationship is happy, we are best friends and we’ve learnt to put time into our partnership. I will never not listen to him now.
“We have movie nights, special dinners, flirt and schedule sex to make sure we find the time.
“It’s even better now than it was when we first met and were infatuated with each other.”
She adds: “The reasons for an affair aren’t black and white, but you can recover from it.
“Before walking away from a partner who has cheated, think twice — you could come out of it stronger like we have.”
David says: “I regret what happened. I had my problems and that coincided with me being unfaithful.
“Something changed in me and now I’m the best version of myself and that has massively helped with mine and Vicky’s relationship and my relationship with my son.
“I’m completely dedicated to Vicky, my son and the business now. I never wanted to hurt her and I am gutted I did.
“I think things went wrong when Vicky was pregnant as I was very lonely, felt a bit pushed to the side, and unlistened to.
“The drinking led to meeting women, there was only one short affair but there was also flirting and texting other women.
“I regret it so much, it makes me cringe looking back at the person I was. I know that is where I don’t want to go back to. I’ve moved forward and left that behind.”
- l If you need help with a drinking problem, call Alcoholics Anonymous free on 0800 9177650 or email help@aamail.org.
BEFORE YOU GO BACK . . .
ONE in five men have been unfaithful, so could you forgive your partner if they did the dirty on you?
Here, Joel Cooper reveals the five questions that you should ask yourself if you are considering giving your cheating spouse a second chance.
Q) IS YOUR PARTNER WILLING TO PUT THE WORK IN?
It’s going to take real effort to reconstruct the trust that has been lost.
But if they seem checked out of the relationship, are they really invested in putting things back together again?
Q) DO YOU NEED TO KNOW ALL THE DETAILS?
It’s understandable to want to know all of the ins and outs of your partner’s affair, but this can cause further upset.
Are you strong enough to go through that?
Q) CAN YOU FORGIVE THEM?
Letting go of any resentment will be the key to your future happiness, but it’s easier said than done.
Can you do it?
Q) IS YOUR PARTNER WILLING TO LISTEN TO YOUR SIDE?
Clear communication is vital when rebuilding trust but are you truly able to have frank discussions with your partner that won’t spiral into a bigger row?
Q) CAN YOU ABSOLVE YOURSELF OF ANY BLAME?
Women tend to take on the blame for their partner’s infidelity.
But you are never at fault for their actions and you must not let a reconciliation affect your own sense of self-esteem.