Imposter syndrome and self-doubt can actually help you build confidence — and even be healthy

• Imposter syndrome is just normal levels of human self-doubt; new situations should feel awkward.

• Embracing this awkwardness can open the door to success, resiliency, and stronger relationships.
• This is an adapted excerpt from Henna Pryor's "Good Awkward: How to Embrace the Embarrassing and Celebrate the Cringe to Become the Bravest You."

Everybody wants confidence before they start something new, but rare is the day that it's just hanging out in the wings waiting for us to grab it when we need it. Often, what gets labeled as "imposter syndrome" is just normal, healthy levels of human self-doubt, and it's experienced across the gender spectrum, but especially so by women. 

A study by psychologists at Cornell and Washington State confirmed that women have higher levels of self-doubt. Many of us have heard the frustrating research that women will apply for a job only if they meet 100 percent of the qualifications, while men will apply when they meet only 60 percent. We've learned that waiting for confidence to come first is literally squashing our professional ambitions like a bug.

New situations should feel awkward, especially in social situations where there is a risk of embarrassment or rejection. Not only that, it's healthy and even useful to feel self-doubt if that feeling raises your effort, motivates you to prepare more, and inspires you to reach higher and grow faster. In an article for "Harvard Business Review," advisor and author Christine Hunter Arscott reveals that despite this pattern of self-doubt in women, many women continue to thrive. The vast majority of successful women leaders she interviewed and coached have built vibrant and fulfilling careers even while looking their self-doubt square in the face.

"What these women also had in common is courage in the absence of confidence — a trait that is often weaponized against women and used to explain why they fail to achieve career goals," Arscott explains. "[Successful] women take decisive action to move forward even while grappling with fears and doubts and questioning their own 'readiness.'"

In other words, women are willing to spend more time in the gap — the area between the backstage version of themselves and the desired, front-stage version — even if that means facing the likelihood of awkwardness along the way. 

Embracing awkwardness leads to resilience and authentic communication

In the modern workplace, we're also seeing a higher prioritization of the development of certain social-emotional skills. Qualities like vulnerability, warmth, empathy, and humility have taken center stage in professional development conversations, and developing these skills can be uncomfortable and challenging for many people, especially men.

My client Oliver, a senior director at a marketing agency, told me about a time his direct report, Sienna, came to him wanting to talk about challenges she was having in her personal life that were affecting her work. As someone who came from a "stiff-upper-lip" British upbringing where emotional issues were rarely discussed, Oliver knew pursuing these types of conversations was an uncomfortable growth edge for him.

"I was trying to find the right words, but I was flailing," he shared. "I couldn't shake the feeling that leaders were supposed to be better at this. I definitely felt like an imposter."

Ultimately, he stayed with the conversation and told Sienna a version of what he told me: (1) he wished he had the right words, (2) he was learning how to better manage emotional conversations, and (3) he felt awkward about all of it, but his intentions were good and he was going to try his best. It turns out that was all Sienna needed to hear to feel heard and supported. The conversation never got to a moment of deep disclosure, and it never quite veered into true vulnerability, but simply owning up to his feelings of awkwardness created a bonding moment in their professional relationship.

For Oliver, being willing to acknowledge and embrace feelings of awkwardness at work led to greater confidence as a leader and built a stronger professional relationship with a valued team member. By admitting to ourselves and others that we're still learning and growing in certain areas, we build a modern, sustainable kind of confidence — "awkward confidence" — which not only promotes authentic communication and collaboration but increases resilience and self-awareness. 

Imposter syndrome isn't always a sign of inadequacy 

I've seen this play out with my own clients and friends, too. Author Rich Litvin offers an alternative to getting rid of imposter syndrome: "Get good at it. In fact, if you don't feel like an imposter, you're not playing big enough."

Feeling like an imposter or experiencing awkwardness is not necessarily a sign of lacking confidence or being inadequate. For many high achievers, I've often seen it as a sign that someone is taking on a challenge that's pushing them out of their comfort zone and into new areas of growth and development. We can learn to recognize and embrace feelings of self-doubt and concern for future awkwardness as a natural part of the learning process.

That said, we should be mindful of not painting with too broad a brush — environmental and cultural factors that contribute to imposter thoughts can frequently be systemic and aren't always rooted in individual self-doubt.

Excerpted from "Good Awkward: How to Embrace the Embarrassing and Celebrate the Cringe to Become The Bravest You." Ideapress Publishing; September 26, 2023. Reprinted with permission from Ideapress Publishing.