Compassion For The Suffering: Oregon Will Allow The Terminally Ill To End Their Lives By Having The Portland Trail Blazers Stone Them To Death With Basketballs

The passage of Oregon’s Death With Dignity Act was a groundbreaking moment for end-of-life care in the United States, and now, the Beaver State is raising the bar once again: Oregon will allow the terminally ill to end their lives by having the Portland Trail Blazers stone them to death with basketballs. 

Simply beautiful. This is how you prioritize mercy and compassion for the suffering!

Oregon’s new legislation, the Death With The Assist Act, gives state residents who have six months or less to live the right to request NBA-assisted dying, a procedure wherein the Portland Trail Blazers’ starting lineup induces death by pelting the patient with several hundred basketballs until they pass on via blunt force trauma. To be approved for the voluntary procedure, the patient must be 18 years of age, demonstrate decision-making capacity, and be able to blow a whistle by themselves, which will signal Damian Lillard and his teammates to begin administering the basketballs. Eligible Oregonians may also choose to have the operation is performed in the comfort of their own home, in a hospital setting, or in a private ceremony held on the court of Moda Center on one of the Trail Blazers’ off days. 

“Terminally ill Trail Blazers fans should be the ones who determine how much suffering they endure, not the government,” explained Trail Blazers spokesperson Rohit Pahl during a press conference that followed the law’s passing. “End-of-life care can be an uncomfortable topic, but the Blazers understand how important it is to plan for it. Our organization believes in humane options for the dying, and will be there for any terminally ill person who would rather have their favorite basketball team to pelt them to death with basketballs than spend their final days in agony. Go Blazers!”

Good on the Portland Trail Blazers for supporting such a compassionate cause!

Every other state and NBA team had better take note, because Oregon and the Trail Blazers have just set a whole new standard for dying with dignity. Awesome!