Harriette Cole: It’s hard to resist getting even with my no-show friend
DEAR HARRIETTE: I asked a close friend for help moving a few months ago, and she promised me that she would be there to assist me. Unfortunately, when the day came, she bailed on me without any warning.
Now, she’s come to me asking for help with something that’s far less important, and I feel resentful about the whole situation.
On one hand, I don’t want to be petty, but on the other hand, it feels unfair that she expects me to be there for her when she wasn’t there for me when I needed her the most.
How can I handle this situation with grace and without causing further drama in our friendship?
— Unfair
DEAR UNFAIR: Since this is bothering you, talk to her about it. Don’t let it simmer under your skin. Get it out in the open.
Tell her how disappointed you were when she bailed on you at a critical time. Describe to her how difficult it was for you to complete your move without her and how upset you were that she would leave you in the lurch like that.
Ask her why she made the choice not to show up for you. Then be quiet. Give her space to answer — even if that space includes awkward silence.
You can follow up and tell her that you don’t feel inclined to do anything for her right now as you are still upset about her abandoning you in your time of need. Tell her you need some time, so you are stepping away for a bit. This may get your friend to think about her behavior more seriously.
If you tend to swallow your feelings and do whatever she needs no matter how she behaves, she may not even realize the impact of her bad actions. It’s time for you to stand up for yourself.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m 28, and I live in a small apartment complex where everyone knows each other. My neighbor, a gentleman in his 50s, saw me smoking a cigarette the other day and decided to take it upon himself to lecture me on the dangers of smoking.
Although I appreciated his concern, his lecture was unwelcome. I intend to quit smoking at some point, but I don’t need my neighbor to intervene.
I fear that the next time I bump into him, he will give me another lecture. What can I do to make him understand that his unsolicited advice is not helping? I’m a grown adult, and I don’t need lectures.
— Good Intentions
DEAR GOOD INTENTIONS: As you know, your neighbor expressed his concerns out of genuine care for you. Remember that when you speak to him.
It is your right to do whatever you want with your life and your body. Provided that the cigarette smoke is not contaminating your neighbors’ air, you should be able to smoke in peace. That said, it is likely that this man will either say something or scowl at you the next time he sees a cigarette in your hand.
Can you say something? Yes, but be careful. You can thank him for his concern, but put up a guardrail. Tell him you know what you are doing. When you decide to quit, you will. Politely ask him to refrain from giving you advice on this topic in the future.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.