I want my ex back but my lover has thrown a spanner in the works…

DEAR DEIDRE: LIKE a yoyo, I’ve been bouncing between my ex-girlfriend and my lover for the past few years.

Now, I’ve finally decided I want to be with my ex — the mother of my kids — but my lover has just told me that she’s pregnant. 

I’ve just turned 38. My ex is 36 and we have two sons, aged ten and seven. 

Five years ago, we started having problems.

Even though I loved my boys more than anything, I felt trapped and frustrated. 

I told my ex that I needed to be single again, and left the family home. I still saw my sons regularly.

After a few flings, I started seeing my lover, 29. We met through a mutual friend.

We had a great time together and the sex was magic — but after a few months of this I started to feel guilty whenever I saw my boys.

They seemed so sad I wasn’t with their mum and they wanted me to come home. So I went back. 

But over lockdown, we were arguing all the time. I decided to leave again and I moved back in with my lover. 

During the past few months, though, I’ve slowly realised things aren’t going to work out with her.

I really miss my ex — we have lots in common and so much history — and I want a future as a family. I guess I’ve finally grown up.

Last weekend, I was about to tell my lover it’s over, when she came in holding a positive pregnancy test.

All I could think was: ‘My ex will never take me back now!’  I’m now so confused. Should I try to make a go of things with my lover?

DEIDRE SAYS: If you really have grown up, as you claim, then it’s time to make decisions and stick to them, instead of playing with other people’s lives. 

It’s clear you aren’t happy with your lover, so it’s best to be honest and part now, as amicably as possible, for the baby’s sake. 

You’ll have to support her child, regardless of whether or not you stay with her.

Only go back to your ex if you are sure you won’t run away again at the first test – neither she nor your children deserve to be let down a third time.

Be honest with your ex.  She may agree to give you another chance for your boys’ sake. 

Some counselling would help you work out what you feel and want. Please read my support pack How Counselling Can Help.