Signs you should cancel your first date, according to a dating coach who has worked with thousands of clients
Courtesy of Erika Ettin
- Dating coach Erika Ettin rarely tells her thousands of clients to cancel first dates.
- She said there are three instances when it's OK to cancel.
- These things could happen while messaging your match after setting up a date, but before meeting.
The anticipation of a first date is supposed to feel exciting. But sometimes, chatting with a match pre-date can take an unsavory turn, making you question whether it was worth setting it up in the first place.
According to dating coach Erika Ettin — a self-proclaimed "first date cheerleader" who said she has worked with thousands of clients — you shouldn't call off a first meetup often. She said that it's rare for her to advise someone to cancel one.
"I try to encourage them to remember that they're just meeting a new person," Ettin told Insider,
She said that she also has a protective attitude about others' time, and believes it's rude to cancel last-minute. "I know people are flaky these days. But just because other people are flaky, it doesn't mean you should be," Ettin said.
In the days leading up to a first date, Ettin recommends texting mainly for logistical reasons. But if you do chat with a match for a bit, you're likely to learn a bit more about them.
If that's the case, there are three instances where Ettin thinks it's worth breaking her first-date protocol and bailing even if it happens to be last-minute.
You realize your values don't align
Generally, Ettin tells her clients to follow her ethos "NATO," or "not attached to an outcome." According to Ettin, this means agreeing to first dates without having a checklist for an ideal partner in mind, or the expectation that you'll realize they're "the one" right away.
But it's still important to keep your values in mind before a first date, Ettin said. Things like wanting children and practicing a certain religion as a family are lifestyle-related non-negotiables that signal a lack of compatibility, according to Ettin.
These topics don't typically come up during pre-first date banter, but there's a chance they could, or that you see them in your match's profile.
Since it's unlikely someone will want to renegotiate their personal values, it's worth acknowledging those differences and canceling your first date, Ettin said.
Your match overshares or gets sexual
While a little bit of oversharing isn't an immediate sign you should cancel, it could be a sign to pause, especially if you notice a pattern, Ettin said.
Similarly, if a match talks about their previous sexual experiences or their sexual desires before a first date, that's inappropriate and worth canceling over, according to Ettin.
She gave the example of a client who set up a first date with a man she met on the app Hinge. In the days leading up to their first meeting, he asked why her previous marriage ended; said his marriage ended because he and his ex-wife were sexually incompatible; and told the woman how attractive he found her multiple times.
"The combination of those overshares were enough to put a red flag in her mind, and she decided to cancel," Ettin said.
Your match talks badly about an ex
Finally, Ettin said she suggests calling off a first date if a match shares their negative thoughts and opinions about an ex-partner beforehand.
"If someone talks poorly about an ex, especially before the first date, it could imply that they're not over their ex, that they're bitter in some way, or that they don't take any personal accountability for a relationship not working," Ettin said.