Brutal celeb breakups are back…and I’m loving it after years of conscious uncoupling nonsense, says Ulrika Jonsson
GO on, admit it. The merest whiff of a celebrity, showbizzy break-up sends a tiny pulse of happiness through your heart.
That slither of schadenfreude lifts your day just a little bit.
I’m not suggesting we like seeing other people feeling miserable, but it’s surely human nature to feel that there should be some fairness when it comes to eternal happiness — especially if our own lives aren’t as entirely blissful as we’d like them to be.
It’s like, once in a while, we need confirmation that other people go through difficult times too.
Which is why, perhaps, it’s been so refreshing to witness second-hand the less than pretty breakdowns of celeb relationships recently.
In fact, let’s make no bones about it — some of them have been truly ugly.
This week Sarah Beeny, 51, who has been married to her artist hubby Graham Swift, 50, for 21 years, announced they are “hanging on by our fingernails”.
Not only that, but she has confessed that she has never told the poor bloke — the man she first met when she was only 19 and has four sons with — that she loves him.
What?!
In the last couple of months, the end of Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas’s marriage made headlines for a whole heap of negative reasons.
She allegedly found out he was filing for divorce through the media.
Then there were lots of quibbles over who had their two young kids when and where, and the insinuation the relationship came to an end because they enjoyed “different lifestyles”.
They have since said they expect the split to be resolved “amicably”.
All the tensions were in direct contradiction to the public statement they issued, which was full of words like “mutually” and “united”.
Maybe we are finally catching on to the idea of saying it how it is, though.
‘Tub of psychobabble’
And we can’t ignore the fact that the Hollywood super-couple, Will Smith, 55, and Jada Pinkett Smith, 52 — who we thought were a dream team — now claim they’ve been separated for the past SEVEN YEARS.
So, although they’ve been pulling the wool over our collective eyes all this time, Jada is no longer holding anything back and is airing her dirty laundry hard.
It just goes to prove that what you see ain’t always what you get — certainly when there are children involved.
But I can’t deny I quite like this new honesty from slebs, which is in sharp contrast to when Gwyneth Paltrow tried to sell us that “conscious uncoupling” nonsense as she split from Chris Martin back in 2014.
Everyone outside of Gwynnie’s gloopy, saccharine world was left bewildered and perplexed.
This new terminology seemed a step too far for those of us who have experienced “normal”, real break-ups and divorces — the words just seemed too good to be true.
The concept that you still love each other, wish one another the very best, continue to offer mutual support, and co-parent your shared children is an ambitious one.
It is definitely possible, but only to a certain extent.
Of course, it should be the aim after any marriage demise, especially if you have children.
It’s the ideal standard — Mummy and Daddy continue to love each other but they just can’t live together any more.
That is, at least, the PR line we feed the kids to soften the blow.
But, in reality, that is only part of the truth. It cannot be true that there is only unity, civility and harmony left at the end of years together because eventually something, somewhere, had to give.
At some point, one or both of you simply couldn’t take any more and had to call time on your marriage.
Which is why the idea of “conscious uncoupling” stuck in our throats.
At best it sounded pretentious and like a thick layer of sugar coating but, at worst, it was just too unbelievable.
It sounded like a tub of psychobabble you might use to polish a turd.
I’m sure Gwynnie and Chris reached some kind of amicable conclusion and, when they were ready, they issued their statement.
But the time leading up to that, I’m pretty confident, would not have been filled with sunshine and unicorns, because divorce or separation is not something you wake up to suddenly after ten euphoric years together.
It’s not that black and white.
There is a grey, often tense and tumultuous period leading to that point — you know, the time when you start to get on each other’s nerves.
You’re fed up with repeating yourself and not being listened to, you get driven bonkers by the way he squeezes the toothpaste tube and,
in the end, it gets to the stage where you cannot even stand him blinking his eyes in the same room.
All the things that grate on you and wear you down contribute to feelings of resentment.
They are not the same sentiments that wish your ex all the happiness in the world once you’ve parted. No, secretly you’re whispering under your breath: “Sling your hook!”
Of course, people sometimes just grow apart — but there are other endings, too, that can wreak havoc and bring about absolute venom and animosity.
Alice Evans accused her ex, Ioan Gruffudd, of being unfaithful and unleashed hell onto him and the rest of the world.
She didn’t care for a carefully curated press statement about their joint intentions to co-parent and she certainly didn’t wish him any happiness in the future.
No, she was like a woman possessed and she didn’t care who knew it.
Evans was relentless and irrepressible — and, at times, I wondered if she didn’t go too far.
But I felt her response and the comments by Sarah Beeny are far more genuine than that of Gwyneth or even rapper Example, 41, who issued a schmaltzy statement about the end of his 11-year marriage to model Erin McNaught, also 41, last year.
‘Things can and do go wrong’
It was like a sentimental love letter, really.
It was full of love and warmth and how he and his ex would continue to have holidays together with their kids.
It was so soothing and reassuring that it actually made me question why they were breaking up in the first place because it all sounded so perfect.
The fact is, things rarely are perfect when you split.
A lot of ugliness comes to the fore and while that’s really unfortunate, it is also the truth.
Kevin Costner, 68, allegedly couldn’t get his ex Christine, 49, out of their Californian home, while Brad Pitt, 59, and Angelina Jolie 48, started surreptitiously slinging mud before too long.
And while I think this is a sad state of affairs, it feels more authentic, somehow.
Maybe that’s because, in the run-up, we’ve been peddled the romance, the happy ever after, and been made to believe these megastars live gilded, flawless lives.
And that perfection only serves to make us all feel less satisfied with our own lives.
But I’m certainly not a proponent of antagonistic, volatile and provocative endings to relationships.
With three divorces under my belt, I can safely say that a lot of my time and energy has been spent over the years ensuring that things remain civil.
There has been an awful lot of compromise and swallowing of bitterness.
Much of this is because I’m not keen on confrontation. I will not shy away from it if it comes my way.
But if it can be avoided for the sake of the children AND my peace of mind, then I think it should.
After all, it doesn’t cost any extra to be nice.
I think it’s easy to forget that behind the proclamations of solidarity and harmony, relationships end for many reasons.
I’ve always tried my darndest to be honest in situations and, one time, when a past boyfriend and I decided we needed a “break”, my parting words to him were: “I hope you’re really miserable without me.”
He was taken aback by my candour, but I meant it.
Because, let’s face it, behind every break-up there is often anger, frustration, disappointment and heartache.
But, of course, we don’t always need words to pretend, or to cover reality in a veil of respectability and acceptability.
Who can forget Tom Cruise, 61, and Nicole Kidman’s divorce, about which we really knew very little?
Kidman, 56, was pictured leaving her divorce lawyers, dancing down the street, broad grin on her face and with her hands held aloft in a display of unadulterated freedom and relief.
That picture said it all. There was no pretence.
It’s not about wishing your ex any ill, necessarily, but surely it’s far more honourable to acknowledge the fault lines and the upset, personally and publicly, because all of us are, in fact, mere mortals.
Things can and do go wrong.
So, folks, it could be that the real, honest break-up is well and truly back.
And I, for one, am thrilled that we might finally be uncoupling from the whitewash that is conscious uncoupling.