Bank holiday bears

Good morning folks.

It’s a bank holiday here. Not that that makes any difference to any of you who aren’t here, but for those who are it’s a thing. I’m not suggesting that you need to move to Ireland to take advantage of this, but it’s surely a consideration for those making their way into the offices and workplaces today.

‘I am tired of this’, some might think, and I completely get that. You are being ground down by the system. If you were in Ireland though, you’d have an extra day of rest. Sure, some things are open today, and some people have to go to work, but it’s within your constitutional rights to resist. If your boss says ‘Listen pal, you’re on the roster for today’s shift’, you can simply reply ‘Stick it up your chuff, I’ll be in tomorrow’.

Now, you may get fired. In fact, that’s quite likely, but when it comes right down to it, you’ve prioritised the work/life balance, and that’s the most important thing. Just think of that boss frantically trying to find someone else to work that shift while you lounge around on the sofa reading a book, or simply scratching yourself like a contented old bear. Or even a bear that isn’t that satisfied with his life but can just deal with an itch if he has one.

Speaking of bears, number 7 on my list of ways I don’t want to die is being eaten by a bear. I’m not necessarily picky about the kind of bear. Any bear really, but I guess it’s more likely to be a grizzly than a panda or a koala, for example. Pandas seem more interested in just falling over or rolling down hills, but maybe you’d get unlucky and encounter one with rabies or just in a really bad mood. We all have those in fairness.

That’s another good thing about Ireland. We have zero bears. Maybe there’s some in the zoo but out in the wild we are a bear-free nation. It certainly alleviates my anxiety about having my skull devoured. You can go about your day in relative tranquility knowing that unless something absolutely extraordinary happens – like a bear stowing away in the cargo hold of a transatlantic plane to make a new life for himself somewhere else – you’re pretty safe. Even then, how would he get through customs? It’s not like he can dress himself up as three small boys in an overcoat with a hat on and just saunter through arrivals.

UNLESS … he did so at Halloween and everyone just thought it was a very realistic and completely fantastic costume. Which means I’m going to have to be extra vigilant over the next couple of days given the time of year it is. I’ll say right here and now, with little fear of jinxing myself, that it’s quite unlikely, but I’ve just seen Eddie Nketiah score a hat-trick with a 30 yard screamer into the top corner so you can’t rule anything out completely these days.

It’s why I still check my footwear every day. Number 5 on my list of ways I don’t want to die is having a scorpion in your shoe. Again, we are fortunate in Ireland that we don’t have a lot of scorpions so this isn’t really much of a threat, but you can never say never. Maybe the scorpion clambered into the bear’s pocket as he was stowing away in the plane. And for those of you thinking ‘Bears don’t have pockets you idiot, they’re not kangaroos’, remember he’s wearing an overcoat. Who is the idiot now?

Right. I’m going to go. We will be recording an Arsecast Extra in a little while. Keep an eye out for the call for questions on Twitter @gunnerblog and @arseblog on Twitter with the hashtag #arsecastextra – or if you’re on Arseblog Member on Patreon, leave your question in the #arsecast-extra-questions channel on our Discord server.

For now, watch out for carnivorous hairy beasts. You don’t want to go out that way, I can assure you.

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