The Problem Is the Human Finger
“At the end of the day, the problem is the human heart. It’s not guns. It’s not the weapons.” — Speaker of the House Mike Johnson
The problem is the human finger. Fingers are too well-engineered to fit around the trigger of an assault weapon. On other planets, life forms have fingers with no joints that are only straight. You don’t hear about gun violence on any of those planets.
The problem is the human hand. If hands did not have four fingers and a thumb, you would not be able to put a gun into the human hand. And more importantly, no one could use a phone to call for help, so we would never have to hear about all this unpleasantness.
The problem is the human arm. Humans could probably get by just fine with a big cupholder in the front instead of arms. Cupholder-humans would be a superior life-form, and guns would exist in abstract space, harming absolutely no one.
The problem is the human elbow. In general, elbows are a huge nuisance when a large group of people are running in fear. If there were no elbows, running in fear would be a lot smoother, and fewer people would get hurt.
The problem is the human chest. The chest needs to be able to rotate more quickly away from this discussion of gun violence and toward the issues that really matter, like how we can prevent women from getting abortions or persecute people of color through militarizing our police.
The problem is the human spine. The spine is holding too many people upright, and the spine is holding too many people accountable. Yes, without a spine the human body would be mostly a blob, but on the other hand, a person without a spine is an incredibly easy target for the gun lobby.
The problem is the human mouth. Too many people are using their mouths to talk about change and legislation, which is extremely offensive. None of this makes as much money as selling a gun, so what’s the point? Some people are even using their mouths to do kissing. Grow up.
The problem is the human heart. The human heart pumps blood, which forces people to viscerally witness the consequences of inflicting pain on others. It would be much better if, when humans died, they just went “Paaahh!” and disappeared into a dry poof.
The problem is the human brain. Humans are simply too smart. Like crows discovering how to use tools in the wild, humans will stop at nothing to figure out how a gun works. In fact, there’s nothing the human brain is better suited for, since this whole science thing turned out to be hogwash.
The problem is the human body. The human body is getting in the way of too many bullets. If those bullets were free from bodies, who knows what those bullets could accomplish. Those bullets might go on to have families, graduate from school, or even start a local business.
The problem is the human spirit. We thought humans would have given up on establishing background checks by now. We thought humans would have given up on abolishing assault weapons by now. We thought humans would have given up on disarmament by now. We thought humans would have given up on nonviolence by now. We thought humans would have given up on peace by now.