'My 10-Year-Old Talks About Being Fat And Having Thin Lips. How Can I Help Her?'

Maria Stapleton has two daughters, aged 10 and 12, and has watched with concern from the sidelines as they increasingly compare themselves to their peers.

“I have found that my younger daughter in particular is acutely aware of how she looks,” the managing director of a PR firm tells HuffPost UK. 

“Despite being slim and girl-next-door pretty, she has spoken in the past two years about being fat (we don’t have scales in the house nor do I ever comment on my own weight), not being able to tan, her hair being too thin and most worryingly of all, her lips and how thin they are.”

Sadly, her situation is not unique. While there might be more visible conversations about mental health nowadays, there is also a huge pressure on the shoulders of today’s youth. 

A staggering four in five parents with young daughters feel like they are being pressured to conform in society from as young as nine, according to new research commissioned by the toy brand Furby.

Stapleton, who is 44 and based in Edinburgh, is concerned that her youngest daughter already knows about fillers and tweakments – and has even spoken about Kylie Jenner’s modifications.

“She does not have access to social media so [I have] no idea how she knows of her existence!” adds the worried parent.

A nation of children under pressure

She isn’t alone in her concerns. According to Furby’s research, two-thirds (65%) of parents believe their children are under more pressure than ever before, with 43% of parents saying there are not enough positive role models for children.

Stapleton says she is most concerned about the impact this pressure will have on her daughters’ self-esteem and mental health.

“Growing up, especially the adolescent period, is already challenging enough but social media has made it so difficult for this generation of children,” she says.

“There is one positive though – the body positivity movement that acts as a counterbalance to the ideals of social media ‘perfection’.”

What can parents do to help their kids?

1. Instil self-worth in your child from the get go 

Kara Kushnir, a clinical psychologist, founder and clinical director of A Work of Heart Counselling, suggests taking the pressure off needs to start from day dot. 

“From as early on as possible, parents can instil internal worth in their children – especially girls – by noticing qualities about them that have nothing to do with their appearance or what they might feel they have to do for others,” she explains.

“For example, commenting on a child’s creativity: ‘I love how you painted that picture, I think you’re so creative. Do you notice that about yourself?’ creates awareness of an internal quality while encouraging self-reflection.”

She says that getting children to verbalise and become aware of their strengths helps to build self-esteem and foster a sense of worthiness for who they are, rather than who they think they’re supposed to be.

2. Value yourself

It’s not just children who need to be taught how to value themselves. Parents do, too.

Kushnir explains that when parents model authenticity, it signals that valuing is positive and in doing so makes it easier and safer for daughters to be themselves.

“Additionally,” she says, “when fathers, especially, are interested in and celebrate a daughter’s interests – however ‘girly’ or unrelated to his own – she learns that healthy relationships involve support and celebration from others, and this can build the foundation for healthy relationships where girls feel empowered to be themselves and expect their partners to value who they are too.”

Stapleton believes young girls take will notice of their mother’s attitudes and mirror them. ”Instead, focus on what you love most about yourself inside and out and encourage your daughter to do the same,” she suggests.

“Also, avoid discussing other people’s bodies (both good and bad) so children will learn that this is not a measure of someone. I never use body-focused adjectives and certainly never body-shaming language around either of my daughters. Instead, I focus on the person’s attributes.”

3. Foster open communication

Kushnir adds that setting time limits on social media can be helpful, but it’s also important to create a transparent environment where communication is encouraged.

“Kids will hide things from their parents and seek to access what is limited,” she explains. “When parents allow access to the apps … it provides an opportunity for open dialogue, helpful lessons and, more so, awareness on the parent’s part of what may be impacting their child.”

She suggests this encourages parents to be more aligned and open with their kids, rather than creating a power differential, secrecy and the possibility that a child will hide their struggles.

That being said, Kushnir is quick to remind us that holding off on giving them smartphones can help shield children for as long as possible.

Instead, she recommends encouraging kids to instead build hobbies, strengths and interests.