Ask Amy: I was angry to see them all eating nuts, and they laughed when I objected
Dear Amy: I am one of a group of friends who recently attended a hobby retreat. Before the retreat we were informed that a participant (a person we know) has a nut allergy.
We were told her allergy was environmental and that she could have a reaction just being around nuts.
Well, when I walked into the venue all four of my friends were eating nuts.
When I mentioned the nut allergy, they all laughed. They knew about it but did not especially like the allergic woman and even questioned the validity of her allergy.
I am so angry at them because I feel that they disregarded the health of the allergic woman.
How do I get over this?
Right now, I am furious.
– Not a Nut
Dear Not a Nut: These people have revealed their disrespectful natures to you. You should be honest with each of them now about how disappointed you are in their behavior, which might have led to a dangerous medical emergency for the allergic person.
I assume you are rethinking your friendship with this group; you certainly should not trust them with any sensitive information, because they seem likely to use it against you.
Dear Amy: My younger son is 29. We have a good relationship. He lives an hour away and we see each other or talk every few weeks –less often than I’d like, but his mom and I try to respect that he has developed his own circle and his own life.
He is tremendously smart and has a good heart, as well as a straightforward way of dealing with his mother and me about things going on in his life.
I’ve learned to be supportive while not prying.
He’s had some ups and downs in pursuing his profession, and after more than a year with his company, he got a nice promotion.
He informed us some months ago that this was coming, but the promotion took time to happen. I learned the change was official through his announcement on a national online professional networking platform, through which he and I are connected but had not previously directly communicated. (I rarely do, anyway.)
He posted the promotion announcement and in the “comments” section I wrote simply, “Congratulations, and all the best …”
A few hours later he wrote back telling me his promotion was one I had known was coming, and anyway the platform I used was “for professional purposes.” He added that I know how to reach him through other means for personal matters.
He followed with an “LOL,” which took the edge off, maybe a little.
I am feeling somewhat rebuffed and put down.
We are actually in similar fields, and I did mean it at least in part as a professional greeting but, yes, I suppose it was a proud father messaging his son.
Was I wrong to comment in the way I did, since he is my son?
I will make no online response, but would like some insight as to what to say to him when we talk again.
Did I overstep? Did he?
– Puzzled Dad
Dear Puzzled: You are a proud parent, and you responded to this professional announcement in a relatively low-key manner.
However, a professional social networking site might not have been the place to do it.
Your son seems to have overreacted to your simple comment of congratulations, but he is trying to make a point: Work is work, and family and friends need to stay inside their particular file cabinet.
This is a potentially foolhardy approach, because family and friends, especially those in similar professional fields, increase his own network’s reach and relevance.
You feel self-conscious about this episode, but one way to end it would be to text your son: “I realize I shared my ‘proud Dad’ moment in your office space. Oops, my bad. I promise not to post and share your pictures from Little League (even though your mom wants me to). LOL … hope to see you soon.”
Dear Amy: I disagree sharply with your advice to “Not His Mother,” the woman whose otherwise adorable husband was a complete kitchen slob.
Do not — repeat, do not — scoop up the rodent droppings and put them in a jar with a sticky note.
Hantavirus is nothing to mess around with. Time to call a qualified exterminator. Put the exterminator’s bill with a sticky note on the husband’s place setting. That just might drive the point home effectively.
– Faithful Reader
Dear Reader: Great advice. Thank you.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.