Birthing expert shares what every new mum should know about sex 

There’s still a huge taboo surrounding the sex-lives of women after childbirth. 

While there’s advice and tips for getting back into the saddle after having a baby, the fact that women are forced to suddenly reconnect with their body after its biggest change to date, is often overlooked.

With social media feeds full of new mums bouncing back after birth, many others feel under pressure to get back to their pre-baby life.

However, according to birthing coach turned sex worker Gem Kocher, that’s simply not possible. 

The non binary 30-year-old spent years as a doula – a job which involves offering support and guidance to new parents – and says it’s time we got real about sex after childbirth is really like for most people.

Speaking to Miranda Kane on the latest episode of Metro’s sex podcast Smut Drop, Gem explains: ‘It’s important to make space and room for your new self as soon as you can after having a baby. People have come to me ten years after giving birth to say they’re still processing their relationship with their body.

‘For example, you may have scarring from after giving birth. Lots of people have trouble touching their genitals or scars after a birth experience. It can be triggering.

‘So in this case, the first step I’d take is to gently gaze at your genitals or your scar in the mirror. Tell yourself quietly what you see and what’s different. Gently get to know your body again. You can say what you see out loud or write it in a journal.’

Following birth, most women experience bleeding and feeling bruised, which can last anywhere from two to eight weeks following delivery, while some have painful tearing or sutures from an episiotomy.

What’s more, unpredictable hormones can make a vagina more dry than usual. Even with lube, Gem says it’s normal for new mums to find penetrative sex painful in the weeks or months after giving birth.

‘There’s often a weird narrative about getting your body ‘back’ in that you should return to your previous self before you had a baby. For most people that won’t happen. We are always moving forward.

‘Go at your own pace. Hold your vulva or any scars and give your body a message of compassion and tenderness. Maybe a week or so after you can try massaging the area or using oils.’

Gem, who grew up in rural Wisconsin, discusses the various taboos still facing new mums on this week’s Smut Drop. They tell Miranda about their work as a doula results in a sexual ‘high’ after childbirth.

Gem, who also now works as a pleasure coach, admits to being on the ‘kinky side’, and explains: ‘I freaking adore birth. I could be around it all day. 

‘In general I find birth super erotic, delightful, delicious and sensual. I will come home from a lot of my births on a high. I’ll call my ex-girlfriend and be like “hey, where are you? Want to come round?”’

Miranda and Gem also delve into the ‘desexulaisation’ of mothers. While dad-bods are celebrated and men who give up their jobs to care for a child heralded, it’s a different story for women.

They may reach ‘MILF’ status, but that’s only after their role as a care-giver is perceived to be done, once their sons or daughters reach teenage years. 

Gem adds: ‘There’s this whole desexualistaion of mothers. Dads are supposed to have a ‘dad bod’ and you’re supposed to be attracted to them in this hetero culture. There’s an idea that having a fatherly role makes them a more sexualised figure.

‘Whereas you don’t have the same expectations of new mothers. People don’t look at a new mum and think ‘ooh, how sexy’. Why not?!’

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Kirsten.Robertson@metro.co.uk 

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