Frumpy Mom: Are you thinking about Thanksgiving?

Are you thinking about Thanksgiving yet? It’s coming right up on Nov. 23rd this year.

If you’re a guy, the answer is probably not, unless you’re anticipating some sort of sporting event that I understand happens on that day. And some of you are annoyed that, because of the holiday visitors, you have to wear pants.

I know I’m generalizing and you’ll write me nasty letters, but for most guys, Thanksgiving dinner just magically appears while the pregame show is on. (Although someone might make you run to the store for butter.)

If you’re a woman and you have family to consider then, yes, you are thinking about Thanksgiving now. And I’ll bet one of these scenarios is going through your mind:

What women are thinking

Why do I have to host Thanksgiving every year? It’s a lot of bleeping work. It’s time for someone else to take over and I’ll be a guest, show up at the last minute with an uninvited guest, and bring a pie.

This year, I’m going to remember to thaw out the turkey beforehand.

I love having everyone over for Thanksgiving, but I have to figure out where I’m going to put everyone, now that we’ve moved into a smaller house. Maybe I can rent tables and chairs and put them on the patio.

I can’t wait for our Thanksgiving cruise. Now, should I buy the booze package? Or not?

I don’t want to cook this year. It’s time for a restaurant meal. Or, better yet, a trip to Aruba. But how do I break it to the others?

Ugh, I wish I didn’t have to fly home for Thanksgiving with the folks? My mother’s going to find something about me to criticize and Uncle Elmer is going to find a way to sit next to me and grope me during dinner. I have to remember to bring the shoes with the extra sharp stilettos so I can kick him under the table.

I have to start making my grocery list now, so I don’t have to brave Costco on the day before Thanksgiving because I forgot something crucial. I’d rather just hit my head against a brick wall repeatedly. It would be less painful.

When I asked my sister to host Thanksgiving (for once) at her giant house this year, I didn’t realize she’d become a vegan. Now I’m worried. My husband is going to have a fit if he has to eat Tofurky.

Dear sweet Lord Jesus, I’ve been so good this year. Yes, I really have. So please don’t make me sit at dinner between Uncle John, the president of the Aging Hippie Liberals League, and Uncle Wayne, who always wears his MAGA hat to dinner. I’m really trying to stay clean and sober, but there are limits.

I love serving holiday dinners on Grandma’s beautiful china, but it’s so much work. I have to get it down off the top shelf of the back cupboard, rinse it all off and dry it, and then hand wash it again after we eat.  I wonder what would happen if I just set the table with paper plates this year? Would there be a revolt?

What if I just ditched everyone, drove to Palm Springs and floated around in a hotel pool all day? I’d have to think of a really good story to get away with it.

What am I going to do about Susan? Because she’s going to bring that awful husband of hers, and he’ll manage to insult everyone in the house and everyone will sit down to dinner mad. Then they’ll drink too much and break up the furniture.

I hope the dog doesn’t fart too much.

I’m so excited to see the kids. I hope to spend more than four minutes with them while they’re home this year, between their get-togethers with their friends.

I have to remember to eat before I go over to Grandma’s because she always roasts her turkey until it’s a solid lump of coal and puts too much sage in the stuffing, But she won’t let anyone else touch the dinner while she’s cooking it. Lord knows we’ve tried.

I wonder if free-range organic turkeys really taste better. People say they do, but maybe that’s just because they’re more expensive. I just don’t know if I should stick with the tried-and-true, or try a different approach.

How am I going to stay on my diet on a day devoted to gluttony? I guess I’d better go to my meeting this week and get some ideas. Just as long as they don’t involve skipping the pumpkin pie. With whipped cream. Hmm. Costco has those huge ones already. And they’re not expensive. Maybe I could stop by.

What men are thinking

I wonder if I should upgrade to a bigger 4K TV before the game this year? My wife said I couldn’t get one, but she’ll be busy shopping for celery. She’ll never notice.