Trump's lawyer appears to think the Secret Service will keep her client out of jail. Uh, no

If you ever find yourself in legal peril, you might want to consider hiring Alina Habba as your attorney. But only if you’re on trial for dropping a house on a witch, because if you hire her for committing crimes in the real world, you’ll likely be in for a rude awakening.

Habba, who averages one star on Yelp for her legal work and five for her spot-on Barry Zuckerkorn impression, is currently representing Donald Trump, a lifelong (alleged!) criminal and con man who was also a federal employee for a time. Trump is facing loads of legal peril, and Habba’s job is to go on teevee to convince millions of people who are already sure he’s innocent that the Brobdingnagian heap of criminal and civil accusations against him were all meticulously curated by a sitting president who’s nothing but a listless amalgam of advanced dementia symptoms. If, during sentencing, she somehow manages to score him a hard-bristled toothbrush for his weekly prison urinal cleanings, that’ll just be gravy.