Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Talk to the Hand
I know I said that I don’t mind the rose ceremonies being a little more loosey-goosey on Bachelor in Paradise, and that’s still true. But y’all, when Jesse welcomed everyone to our third rose ceremony, I did a full spit take. I’m typing this with Diet Coke on my screen. The BIP rose ceremonies take place every three-to-four days, which means our favorite horny people have been on the beach for only a week and a half max. This franchise fucks with our perception of time more than that one level of Super Mario Bros. Wonder. At this rate, we’ll be wrapping up Bachelor in Paradise in 2024. I’m so stressed!
Also stressed? Aaron B. (Segues are my passion.) Charity is still talking to Eliza about the weird DMs she got from his ex, and Aaron is watching with his teeth clenched like he just read that hack for making your jaw look sharper in photos. If you truly did nothing wrong, why are you so worried? The way Aaron talks about his ex trying to “ruin his life” is so dramatic and gross. Dude, you’re on a reality show about messy dating, not running for president. (Not that a bad dating history would disqualify him #political.)
Charity tells Eliza what happened, and she basically describes it as a big weird nothingburger. She says that not only did his ex message Charity to warn her about Aaron when she returned from filming The Bachelorette but her family members and friends as well. That does just sound like someone trying to insert themselves into a TV show, and Charity is right to dismiss it. She is actually very, ahem, charitable to Aaron in her read of the situation, empathizing with him and saying that it didn’t match with her experience of him. She encourages Eliza to talk to Aaron if it’s bothering her but that she’s rooting for them. I’m sorry, did we just hear a smart argument for healthy communication? Which show am I watching??
Side note: People were surprised last week that Charity and Kat are besties, but it makes absolute sense to me. Every straight-A good girl has a train-wreck friend who stresses her out and forces her to loosen up. It’s a law of nature. (I love my messy besties, and they exhaust me so.)
Charity completes her tour of proving she’s the most well-adjusted person to ever appear on this show by pulling Aaron aside, telling him she isn’t worried about the DMs, and reiterating that she’s rooting for him and Eliza. Aaron, for his part, says that he didn’t know until today that the ex had been DM’ing Charity’s family and that she never reached out to him. I think Aaron is technically in the right in this scenario (in that she’s trying to cause drama out of nothing), but how he talks about women — the dichotomy of wanting to “protect” Charity from a “disgruntled” ex — still squicks me out. Eliza is also a little wary, and even after they patch things up, she says she will be careful.
With the Aaron situation tentatively resolved, we’re onto the Kat–Olivia–John Henry love triangle. Well, Sam calls it a love triangle. To me, it reads more like a rickety bicycle that someone haphazardly slapped a sparkly pair of training wheels onto. While eating a big plate of chicken nuggets, Kat talks to Mercedes about her plan to go after John Henry, and nothing has made more sense to me. Nothing against chicken nuggets — they’re great! — but a Chicken-Nugget Girlie is a specific type of chaos.
Kat and John Henry go down to the water to giggle while they stick their feet in the surf, meanwhile Olivia watches from a daybed directly across the beach from them. “All this ocean! Mexico is huge!” Olivia yells. I think I love this bitch.
The next morning, Aaron is still trying to make up for the drama and sends Eliza’s standard breakfast order up to her room. It appears to be eggs, bacon, an English muffin, fruit, and … a very foamy soda? I could not figure out what this drink is, but it looks exactly like root beer. If that’s the case, Eliza just shot up in my estimation as a fellow morning-soda girlie. But it’s probably just a weird coffee.
Everyone must have spent the day doing boring shit like reading by the pool or something because we cut straight from breakfast to cocktail-party time! John Henry says he’s unsure of what he’s going to do. Yeah, we know, dummy. That’ll come to a head later, but first Aaron tells Eliza that he wants to be exclusive with her and that he’s falling in love with her. Eliza brings her Little Mermaid impression back out and just kind of blinks at him. Unlike seemingly everyone on the beach, I don’t think this relationship will go the distance.
On to another couple in which the man is way more invested than the woman is! Blake tells Jess she’s the only one he’s thinking about, securing her a rose. That leaves Genevie in trouble. Wells encourages her to make a plan, which is just Smooch Tanner. Unfortunately for Genevie, Rachel has the same plan. That means Tanner has made out with three women in one night, having macked on Davia earlier in the evening. This is fine! It’s allowed! It’s why we’re here! But I just find it interesting that Kat keeps being accused of “homie-hopping.” Wow, Aaron, you were so close to saying something smart when you pointed out that there’s a double standard here. A for effort. (Just kidding — this man gets nothing.)
Toward the end of the night, Wells pulls the truth box back out — like many Bachelor gimmicks, this is fun in theory but is never actually used to its full potential — and one of the cards reads “John Henry, meet me at the hot tub at midnight.” I’m sorry, it’s midnight??? These nights are loooooong. I would feel bad for these people if this wasn’t just how they live their lives. Instead, I’m just kind of in awe.
John Henry heads up to the hot tub where, shocker, Kat is waiting in a bikini. They finally make out — with tongue, much to Kat’s delight — and John Henry says he can see a future with Kat outside Paradise. You what? This man is not smart, and he deserves the inevitable implosion that this relationship will end in. Olivia had been doing such a good job of staying out of it and complaining to her friends instead of confronting Kat, but this was the last straw. The argument is honestly a letdown because Kat is so slippery she can’t be reasoned with or yelled at. She just stares blankly, which infuriates Olivia so much that she holds her hand in front of Kat’s face as she walks away. It’s not, like, a nice thing to do, but the way Kat talks about it, you’d think Olivia beat her over the head with a golf club. (Can you tell I’ve been rewatching The Sopranos?) What is it they say about an unstoppable force and an immovable object? That’s these two.
It’s rose-ceremony time! But first, Jesse informs us that Sam has finally pooped. I’m sorry, but I stopped caring about this story line the minute Sam left. You are erased from my brain as soon as you step off the beach. Actually, you can be still on the beach and not make a lasting mark on my brain, because when everyone is looking around asking where Becca is, I had the legitimate thought, Who the fuck is Becca? I quickly remember that she’s the new arrival from last week that Brayden ditched Rachel for, but apparently she’s having second thoughts. Jesse goes to find her, and she tells him that she’s worried about what everyone’s been saying about her relationship with Brayden. She decides to take her BBL back up the stairs and “leave Paradise forever,” as Jesse dramatically informs the rest of the cast.
Based on how haphazard this edit is, I don’t think production had any idea this was happening. We see Jesse informing a producer that she’s leaving, and she just kind of disappears. There’s even a shot of a cameraman telling the gathered contestants to look up as Jesse walks down the stairs. I wondered how Becca came to this decision and how no one noticed she was having doubts; then I heard someone say that she was talking to only Brayden all day and everything made sense. Of course Brayden wouldn’t notice if Becca were pulling back. Brayden is only able to perceive Brayden.
Tanner asks Brayden whom he’d give his rose to and I had a full Minority Report precog vision. John Henry’s going to give his rose to Kat, and Brayden will save Olivia. That’s exactly what happens and it’s incredible. Normally when you fuck someone over and give a rose to a new hottie, they leave and you don’t have to deal with the fallout. Olivia has been able to stick around, fueled by pure spite. Yet she manages to keep her sense of humor! When Brayden hands her the rose, she quips, “Wanna make out later?” Tanner gives his rose to Rachel, which means Davia and Genevie go home. Sorry, ladies, but if you hit the beach after week five-ish, the odds are never in your favor.
The next morning, John Henry pulls Olivia aside to apologize for how he handled things. Read: “I didn’t think you’d still be here, so I didn’t think I’d have to deal with your feelings.” Olivia is not having it and says, “So you wanted to talk to clear your conscience.” Yes, that’s exactly it, and it’s what all of these repetitive conversations are about. I’m over it! She refuses to accept his apology because he doesn’t mean it; he just thinks he must say “sorry” and that’ll fix things. Olivia is so close to clarity here, but she still says that she thinks John Henry is a great guy. Babe, he’s just kind of dumb. You deserve better!
While Olivia pouts about John Henry, though, we hear the claxon call of a new dude. Michael from Charity’s season is here! I don’t remember this guy’s deal, but he sure is a cutie pie. He pulls out a date card and asks Olivia to talk first. I am so curious about how producers prime the new people. What did they tell him about the situation on the beach? It’s certainly not a coincidence that he first talks to Olivia, who is so giddy about a new cute boy that she acts as if she has just run into her best friend from high school, who she thought was dead, when Michael says he has a friend from Rochester, a city of over 200,000 people. Poor Olivia is so sure that she’s going on this date, but Michael pulls Kylee … and then Mercedes … and then Sam. While everyone prays to the Paradise gods that Olivia gets to go on this date, the episode ends on a cliffhanger. Who will Michael choose? I mean, it will be Olivia, but I guess we can pretend to be in suspense for a week.