How to Enjoy a Horrible Thanksgiving Day

It isn’t always the turkey who has the hardest time at Thanksgiving. Family gatherings can be lovely or embarrassing. We eat, laugh, drink, and say a lot of silly things. Just like at any U.N. gathering.

In every family, there’s always one or two people whose primary mission in life is to light up Thanksgiving and turn your dining room into something resembling Vietnam in the 1970s. If you want to stop this undercover Soviet agent, who could be your brother-in-law or a spoilt sibling, from ruining the evening, try doing it yourself — be the first one to put up a good fight. At least that way you know you’re in control.

This year, there are endless ways to end up slapping each other in the face over Thanksgiving dinner or, at least, to engage in a healthy discussion. Try to avoid basic political feuds, Biden vs. Trump, and the like, because that was already trending in previous seasons and the debate could lose intensity. You’d be better off trying a more effective strategy: mention the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. It doesn’t matter which side you are on (although I advise avoiding siding with terrorists so that, at least, after dinner you can sleep with a clear conscience), but the important thing is that you do it vehemently and in the most tendentious way possible, as if you were an editorial in the Financial Times.

In case the discussion lapses, immediately resort to conspiratorial reasoning. You know, spout that nonsense about how Israel knew full well it would be on the receiving end of a brutal attack and did nothing to prevent it so that it could then slaughter Palestinians. If there are Democrats in the room, you’ll be amazed by how happily they’ll stick to that kind of crap argument if it supports their prejudice.

Imagine the war issue doesn’t move anyone. Try feminism. Start using crazy pronouns interchangeably, and when people start to feel uncomfortable, claim your right as a man to be a woman. A trans touch will inevitably heat up the discussion.

If you’re looking to provoke a younger crowd, reach for the latest polls, where it’s clear they’re turning their backs on Biden. If you’re in need of some stupid reason that might piss off everyone at once, you can use this one: Young people nowadays don’t love older people anymore; it is intolerable that they are turning their backs on an 81-year-old gentleman, disrespectful. Round off your complaint by saying that the country is ravaged by a plague of fascist gerontophobia. End the speech by kissing Daddy’s bald head with Democrat tears in your eyes.

When the time comes, you will wake everyone up if you position yourself radically in favor of environmentalists. Tell them that when you were a child the temperature was very different from what it is now (no one will bother to check it; if governments don’t do it, I doubt anyone at home will), and that it is obvious the planet is going to hell because of wild capitalism. (READ MORE from Itxu Díaz: Time for Conservative Environmentalism)

The good thing about climate change is that you can bust a lot of people’s balls at the same time. For example, suggest that owners of non-electric vehicles should be shot in the head, that we should all eat insects and give up meat, that we should formally put an end to wearing a suit in summer because it encourages air conditioning. At the end, just add any old stupidity you can think of about Arctic icecaps. If you can whine a bit while doing it, the performance will be perfect. And be careful — if you notice two or more members of the family supporting your climate cause, do not dismiss the possibility of sticking your hands to a painting with silicone in the middle of dinner, filming it, and then uploading it to social networks as a green activism action.

Let’s say that, toward the end of the dinner, the conversation starts to die down again. There are a few catchwords or concepts that, said in any context, can help spark a brilliant new debate: taxes, social justice, OpenAI, homophobia, priesthood, fentanyl, nuclear power, Elon Musk, and male PMS.

If none of this works and you’re still in the mood to party, my advice is to try straight up tossing a turkey leg at a random diner. But when you’re done having fun, remember that Mom will make you clean it all up at the end. Fortunately, at home, the government doesn’t make the rules yet. That’s still Mom.

And one last bonus household cleaning tip: The best way to get rid of grease is to eat it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Translated by Joel Dalmau.

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