Ask Amy: Household chores become a high-stakes game
Dear Amy: My husband and I have a bright, high-functioning 16-year-old daughter.
I have been teaching her how to perform basic household chores (I do the same with our 12-year-old son), and some basic cooking and cleaning skills in order to have some help at home, but mainly so that our kids will understand that everyone in the family pitches in, and that it’s important to have some life-skills. I am a stay-at-home parent and a busy volunteer at their school.
At first I thought our daughter didn’t understand some of these basic instructions, which I had shown her and then written down. She just couldn’t seem to get things right. She used floor cleaner on the stove, left wet paper towels on the wooden dining room table, damaging it, and a few other mess-ups like “forgetting” to put wet laundry in the dryer, but leaving it on the floor, instead.
Then I overheard her bragging to her cousin that she was purposely messing up in order to get me to back off.
I am furious. My husband thinks she’s being clever and doesn’t want to punish her.
What do you think I should do now?
— Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: I think it’s time your daughter learned another life-skill — the concept of natural consequences.
In short, if she fails a task, she will be asked to do it again, until she demonstrates some basic competence.
If she deliberately causes damage, then she should be expected to compensate the family for it.
If she does a load of laundry and deliberately leaves wet clothes on the floor instead of in the dryer, you can place the soggy pile onto her bed.
You should do your best to stay calm throughout: “I get it that you don’t want to do this. I don’t enjoy doing it, either. I’ll just hold onto your phone (laptop, etc.) until you figure out how to do this. You’ll get there!”
And because your husband thinks this is so clever, perhaps he should take over these household chores that make his life easier and assume some responsibility for teaching your children some of these skills.
In my opinion, he is a big part of the problem. If he teamed up with you, your daughter wouldn’t disrespect your household so easily.
Dear Amy: During the pandemic, I was diagnosed and treated for breast cancer.
After my treatment was completed, my doctor prescribed medication that may reduce the recurrence of this cancer.
These drugs have many different side effects. One of the side effects I am experiencing is weight loss.
What do I say when someone says, “Oh, you’ve lost weight … looking great!”
I consider my health very personal information.
If it is someone I know fairly well and am comfortable with them knowing about my health, I may tell them I have cancer.
But when my mechanic mentioned my weight loss, I did not know at all what to say.
I think I just smiled (weakly).
Maybe I am handling this situation in an OK way, but it unsettles me when this happens.
How would you reply in my situation?
— Recovering
Dear Recovering: Honestly, I’d probably reply as you have done — because the comment, which is meant as a compliment, is actually loaded with subtext, leading you to wonder, for instance, if you didn’t look so “great” before you became ill.
This has been discussed at other times in this space, but the overall assumption that someone who is thin (or has become thinner) “looks great” is one that is increasingly challenged by people who don’t necessarily want for their bodies — even their thin bodies — to be scrutinized and commented upon.
You might honestly respond, “Well, I’ve been dealing with some health problems,” but this would probably invite more inquiries and discussion about your health.
This could be an opportunity to use the traditional Southern comeback.
This works in many different contexts, delivering a weird sort of polite-seeming passive-aggressive satisfaction to the person uttering it.
Here’s how to deploy this nugget: You simply make eye contact and say, “Well, aren’t you sweet.”
Dear Amy: “Angry and Hurt” was really upset because her 12-year-old daughter wasn’t invited to a family wedding. I couldn’t believe that you told the mom to “get a grip.”
Kids this age are completely capable of handling themselves at public events.
If this girl is respectful and well-behaved, why shouldn’t she go?
— Upset
Dear Upset: She shouldn’t go because she wasn’t invited.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)