Talking to my friends every day made me realize I don't need marriage or kids to be happy

• The video-messaging app Marco Polo gave me an inside look at marriage and motherhood.
• My friends' real talk helped me figure out that marriage and kids aren't a priority for me.
• Our friendships work because we care about the details of each other's lives.

Over the past couple of months, it seemed like every woman on the internet was discussing whether women who have children and those who don't can remain friends after babies come along.

I'm single and child-free, and I'm closer than ever with four friends who are all married with kids — all thanks to an app.

I joined Marco Polo with 4 of my closest friends

Around the start of the pandemic, four of my former sorority sisters and I joined a video group chat on Marco Polo, an app that allows you to leave video messages and watch them at your leisure. After we graduated from the University of San Diego in 2010, we all kept tabs on each other, and I even attended two of their weddings. But I didn't know many details about their day-to-day lives and growing families.

But that all changed over the next year. We started leaving each other almost daily video messages with updates on everything from the mundane (chores, gossip, complaints about bad customer service) to the critical (marital rifts, cancer diagnoses, family deaths). We loved the app so much that we upgraded to the paid version — $120 split six ways — so we can watch videos at faster speeds and take notes along the way.

It mattered that we saw each other's faces so much — seeing the smiles, furrowed brows, and tears strengthened our connection across thousands of miles.

I got to see what life with kids was like

From the time I moved to New York City at 23 to when I left nine years later, in 2020, I had one married friend and zero friends with kids. Meanwhile, my Marco Polo friends in California all got married and had kids by their mid-20s; they now have 10 children among them. My 20s centered around my exciting media career, dating adventures, and late nights out in Manhattan. These women also had full-time careers, but their lives outside the nine-to-five revolved around sleep training, finding the right day care, discovering their new identities as mothers, and keeping their marriages intact along the way.

Through Marco Polo, I got a long-distance yet close-up look at their lives. They never sugarcoated the fact that parenting upends most aspects of your life, and it's often grueling work. They struggled with how best to handle their kids' behavioral problems, from anxiety to aggressiveness, and tried to learn how to manage completely irrational beings with empathy and patience. They were seldom well-rested, and they talked about poop nonstop. And there was a new emotion that hovered over them at all times: mom guilt.

I heard about their children being rushed to urgent care for ear infections, shortness of breath, and broken legs, and I saw countless anxious tears shed. There were many moments of awe-inspiring love and tenderness, too. I got to experience my friend's entire third pregnancy and then witness her newborn son grow. Sweet kids' faces, growing and changing from month to month, popped up on Marco Polo, cuddling, giggling, telling me about their day, begging to press the button to stop the video. One day, the moms shared the plethora of artwork their kids had recently created, and I couldn't stop smiling.

I also got to see what being married can be like

These friends have all been married between six and 10 years already, and it's been fascinating to learn about the intimate details of what being married is actually like — I've never even lived with a boyfriend.

They've talked about imbalanced gender roles and dads abandoning their fair share of the physical or emotional labor of parenthood, but also of husbands taking over full kitchen duties, planning date nights, and making real changes to be better partners. These men read parenting books, gave their wives real time to rest, and even decided to go to therapy.

On top of everything my friends do at home, they've all got coworkers and bosses who make daily demands on their time and energy as well. We've had deep discussions about work-life balance, asking for a raise, and being a female breadwinner. They still care deeply about their careers, their physical and mental health, and nurturing their own creativity.

I don't want kids or to be married

Around the time I turned 30, I felt an increasing weight on my shoulders to know for sure whether or not I wanted kids. But now, single at 35, I'm much more comfortable with the fact that marriage and kids are not a priority for me. My life will probably not follow the traditional heterosexual-relationship path. And, in some significant ways, my Marco Polo besties helped me get there.

I am so grateful to have the understanding that I do of the maddening complications of being a modern mom, wife, and full-time employee, and I appreciate my child-free life even more.

I think what makes our friendships work the most, despite our very different lives, is that we all actually give a damn. I don't get irritated with how much they talk about their kids, because I understand that their children are their first priorities and that being a present mother will always be a complicated task that demands a generous slice of your very soul.

In turn, my friends are curious about my life and never make me feel like I'm just a single lady sideshow whose purpose is to pop in and entertain them with tales about bad dates.

My friends with kids and I make it a priority to see each other at least once a year, sometimes with their children and sometimes without. I've traveled back to California, and they've come to Austin to help me celebrate my new city.

We are closer than ever, and we still talk on Marco Polo every day.

Jillian Anthony is a writer and editor who authors the newsletter Cruel Summer Book Club, which explores change and living well.