Science FTW: A New Study Has Found That You’ve Changed

A team of Harvard researchers have made a new discovery that might seem surprising at first, but when you really think about it, it’s been evident for months, even years: A new study has found that you’ve changed.

Face it. You’re just not who you used to be.

After an in-depth analysis of the ambitions you once had versus what you’ve actually managed to achieve, a team of MIT researchers have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that you are now an entirely different person from the starry eyed dreamer who once thought they would take the world by storm and really make something out of themselves. Accounting for your tendency to stay in dead-end relationships, the increasing centricity of your politics, and your failure to ever move to that city you were always talking about, the researchers found statistically significant proof that you’re nearly unrecognizable to anyone who knew you way back when. 

While the researchers were careful to note several confounding factors likely influencing the fact that you’ve changed—the impending recession, the Covid-19 pandemic, the fact that you’ve grown so comfortable with your middle class salary you forgot that the job was only ever meant to be temporary—they concluded that the primary cause is the fact that you’re just different now, plain and simple. 

Wow. This might not be an easy finding to hear about, but be honest with yourself: you’ve known this was the case for a long, long time.

However, there is some good news. The researchers ended their report by mentioning a corollary hypothesis requiring further study, which suggests that you shouldn’t be too upset, because for most people, this is just the way life goes. If the science is to be believed, it’s best you just accept it and move on.