Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Sink or Swim
The fact that this entire season of Below Deck Mediterranean has been filled with drama yet continues to be a slog to get through should be studied. Both Kyle and Haleigh are sick and out of commission this week, leaving the crew understaffed with a group of repeat offenders who are so demanding that they manage to push Tumi’s love for chaos to the limit. This should make for a super entertaining episode, but readers, I’ve checked out at this stage.
After her conversation with Captain Sandy, Lily is confident in her abilities and says that we have yet to see “what’s underneath these curtains.” Moments later, she’s asking Jessika how to make a bed and then proceeds to struggle. Only Lily could make such a simple task seem like rocket science. Jess tells us that Lily’s mistakes are her mistakes and that she’s not willing to take the fall if Tumi notices Lily’s fuck-ups. In a sea of flaws within this interior, I think their inability to work as a cohesive unit may be their worst.
During her meeting with Tumi following her chat with Lily, Sandy explains that she needs to take time with people like Lily and candidly adds that she hires people based on character and not skill since skill can be taught, which made me do a double take. I get what she means by wanting someone who has a good attitude, but shouldn’t they at least be able to do the bare minimum? But then again, this is a reality show, so personality hires are the key to success. In a confessional, Tumi also says that she hoped Sandy would let Lily go (not something she should be sharing as a boss!) because everyone is forced to pick up her slack. Meanwhile, Kyle, famously lazy, is still employed.
But just as we were losing hope, Lily finds a way to prove us wrong by stepping it up in laundry and gradually improving in housekeeping. While checking on her work throughout the charter, Tumi’s pleasantly surprised to see that Lily didn’t make any major errors while tackling everything alone now that Jess has been bumped back up to service. At one point after inspecting the turndowns, Tumi explains that “some people just need time,” which is funny considering she admitted to trying to get Lily fired less than 24 hours before. She’s clearly more confident this go around, and perhaps part of that comes from Sandy’s final warning and the fact that she no longer has Kyle and Jess hovering over her shoulder. Let’s hope she keeps it up!
At the preference sheet meeting, we learn that our next group includes returning primary Billy Rodriguez, who is looking for redemption after his charter last season turned out to be a major shitshow. I can’t say I’m excited to see him back, but we need some high-maintenance guests to spice this boring season up a bit. His requests include a big gay breakfast and a “tantalizing” performance from Brazilian dancers, as well as working boat stabilizers and a slide since neither existed during that previous trip.
Like clockwork, Kyle is not feeling well and has to take a break from his job — feign your surprise. Minutes before the guests arrive, Kyle is in bed and complaining to Tumi about having a migraine. If there’s one thing you can rely on Kyle to do, it’s get sick and not work. But hey, at least he’s consistent! He spends the majority of this episode off-camera by spending the day in his room until being taken to the hospital, which is a win for us but a loss for the crew and guests, who desperately wish they had Kyle and his outgoing energy, especially since he’s the only person who has a rapport with Billy and Co.
Once the guests arrive and have a tour of the boat, Billy and his fiancé meet with Jack in the galley to talk about the Brazilian steakhouse dinner and emphasize that they have specific steak preferences, which is important since it comes up later. Then it’s time for lunch, which is when things get real chaotic. On top of demanding drinks non-stop, they request that the Beluga caviar Jack served be placed in crushed ice and then ask for baked potatoes. Jack tells Tumi that the potatoes will take 20 minutes to cook, and when Tumi notifies the guests, they say that the wait time won’t work for them. Jack should’ve just popped them in the microwave because they probably wouldn’t even have noticed.
Thankfully, the guests are thrilled that a slide is actually available this time, so they spend the day taking advantage of the various water toys. Once the evening rolls around, Lara drops Kyle off at shore and picks up the Brazilian performers, who have her practically drooling the entire ride back to the boat. Sporting their gorgeous Samba costumes, the dancers give the guests (and crew) a fun performance that livens up the vibe given that they’re all missing Kyle’s interactiveness.
Unfortunately, the good atmosphere only lasts five minutes because it doesn’t take the guests long to find a problem with their dinner. The primary is quick to point out that the meat Jack serves isn’t cooked to his liking and then complains about how he told Jack he wanted a range of temperatures, which he claims he isn’t getting. Another guest, Matthew, also jumps at the chance to criticize the food for being flavorless (save for the dessert, which everyone loves). Listening to all of these complaints, Tumi decides that it’s best to spare Jack by not telling him that they thought his food was mediocre. Something I’ve learned from this show is that the chef finds out no matter what, and it’s only a matter of time until they say something to his face.
And the issues with the food don’t stop at dinner because the big gay breakfast is the next morning. Jack says that, as a classically-trained chef, he doesn’t know how to make food for this type of theme and decides to put food coloring in everything and call it a day. Unlike Down Under’s Chef Tzarina, Jack doesn’t seem to remember that Google exists. His chef’s special is rainbow pancakes, which, upon hearing this, makes Matthew annoyed since he finds it to be lacking in creativity. Fair, but as Tumi says, they’re mostly just complaining for the sake of it. Captain Sandy, who joins them for breakfast, knows there’s nothing wrong with the food or Tumi’s service but believes that Kyle is the missing piece for the guests’ happiness, which is just her way of saying that Tumi isn’t very fun.
I also wanted to quickly touch on our boatmance as Jess develops more feelings for Luka and even thinks that she believes the feeling is mutual since Luka is equally affectionate with her. Cut to Luka telling the producer that he isn’t worried about getting attached. To make things more complicated, a non-Natalya woman from Med’s past has entered the chat. That person is season six Chief Stew and current Winter House cast member Katie Flood, who’s apparently in Portofino and happens to know Luka through his friend she dated. Luka says they’ve “hung out” a few times, which could mean many things. One thing I know for sure is that Luka and Jessika’s relationship (if it could even be called that) is not going to end well.
Anyway, when Kyle returns to the boat, he shares that his medical tests came to the conclusion that he has exhaustion, dehydration, and a migraine. In addition to feeling “immense guilt” for leaving the interior short-handed, he tells us that his diagnosis is the type that celebrities usually get hospitalized for and wonders if that means he’s also a celebrity. Yeah, an F-List Bravoleb. Looks like his illness is making him even more delulu than usual.
Now that we’re caught up with all of that, I saved the best for last: Max, who has decided to regress by complaining about his exhaustion. We’re no strangers to Max’s crankiness about break times and always having stuff to do as if he’s not, you know, at work. But when you add being extremely hangry to the mix, it’s a recipe for disaster.
When Max returns from picking Kyle up from shore — which he asked Luka to do — he heads into the crew mess to eat but tells Lara that there’s nothing to eat when he really just doesn’t want the pasta that’s sitting on the table. He then goes to the bridge and complains to Luka and Sandy about how there’s no food left because everyone ate before him. While Max asks Jack for food in the galley, Lara joins Luka and Sandy in the bridge and explains how Max had declined the pasta, which pisses Sandy off since it means Max didn’t tell her the truth. Once Max returns, Sandy calls him a liar and asks him to apologize, to which he mutters “no” and then walks away, which is a big no-no but also hilarious. I don’t think that’ll push Sandy to sack him, considering we’re so close to the end of the season. However, he’s more than likely going to get an earful for disrespecting his Captain.