The following piece is satire.

Satan, The Prince of Darkness officially denied sealing a deal with the Marcos administration for the resumption of peace talks with the CPP-NDF-NPA, as alleged by Vice President Sara Duterte.

The vice president, in a first public display of disaffection, pushed back harshly on her Uniteam partner, sparking online rumors of a SaraBong breakup possibly involving a third party.

“It’s not me!” His Lowness adamantly told this columnist during an exclusive interview in his local subterranean lair below Commonwealth Avenue, next to a spectral labyrinth running between the Batasan and Malacañang.

Looking visibly agitated on his flaming lava throne, His Lowness pointed to a steaming heap of excrement to make myself comfortable in as he composed himself. 

“Look, it’s true I want to remain on good terms with the Marcoses, okay? But peace? Nah,” he hissed. “And no one should use my name in vain to ruin that groovy vibe,” he cautioned, fanning a cloud of sulfur from his face. 

“VP Sara, unfortunately, isn’t quite ready for prime time, but that said, I’m still extremely fond of the Dutertes too, let’s get that straight. Is your tape on? Love his theological musings.”

Sir Satan clarified that he has inspired many things, but peace is definitely is not up to his standard of evilness. 

“Me, urge peace talks? Not until this place becomes air-conditioned. Extrajudicial killings – naturally, yes, inspired by me. Weaponized prosecutions, red-tagging, trolls, mine. Pharmally scandal amid COVID, check. Customs shabu smuggling, check, confidential funds, mine too but the naysayers’ Guardian Angels headed me off at the pass, dammit.” 

What about disinformation, fake news as in Apollo Quiboloy, the Appointed Son of God, Owner of the Universe and SMNI, sex trafficking suspect who’s in hot water right now? Is he some kind of infernal special ops?

“I neither confirm nor deny, per advice of my earth-bound counsel, Attorney Enrile. He worries, you know, about who I’m associated with in the public mind.” Johnny P., really?! “Of course. I’ve trusted him since he was an embryo.” 

How about serving the West Philippine Sea to China on a silver platter, was that his idea too? “Didn’t I say I remain very fond of the Dutertes?” he snarled, his forked tongue slobbering red hot slime all over.

So he’s disowning the peace talks because… “Jeeezus Christ! Can’t you see that those negotiations want to extinguish the violence resulting from my inspired favorites?” 

Which are? 

Wearily, he ticked them off: “Unequal justice, unequal distribution of wealth, cruel labor practices like contractualization and union-busting, mine, landlordism, check, check, check, state repression, graft and corruption, agricultural hoarding, power-hungry political dynasties, stuff that make people poor and angry and violent, all inspired by me, me – all the evil that’s been good for my score card,” 

Score card? Is he in a contest with the Almighty? 

“Susmaryosep, brush up on your college Religious Studies! I resigned way, way back from the Book of Job as a partner of God who tested the righteous on his behalf.” Sir Satan explained that his permanent New Testament status has long been as a “direct competitor.” 

“And by the looks of what’s happening across your mortal planet – forever wars, climate-changing corporate greed, right-wing populist regimes – I’m way ahead. Huwahaha!”

So, if he didn’t push for the peace talks, is he planning to sabotage the whole thing? 

“I don’t need to do anything actually. Your elite ruling factions won’t agree to the rebels’ demand to junk the social conditions that made them top dogs, even though they’re always clawing at each other to be the topmost.” 

And the rebels, he said, are fixated on their “surround the cities from the countryside until victory” pipe dream. “They’ll be doing small-time guerrilla warfare forever.” 

Apparently, without really heavy armaments, the CPP-NDF-NPA wouldn’t be able to swing to a final offensive against the modernized military. The Soviet bloc and China used to send those to fraternal parties, but that’s gone. Also, the country is shredded in islands with no land link as a conduit for weapons from an external source. 

“So, your pals will just keep going as always, believing that like Mao’s foolish old man, they’ll eventually be able to remove the mountains’ if they just keep digging even if takes a hundred years. I’ll just sit pretty. No need to make a deal with anybody on the issue,” he sitting prettily declared.

Got it. But now that’s he’s leading the global Good vs. Evil marathon, how about cutting back some on his inspirations and giving us earthlings a break? Yours truly even jokingly offered to swap my soul for it to humor him.

“No deal!” he bellowed, whipping his barbed tail inches from my face. 

“How dare you mock me?! I gave you this exclusive because I own you already. You have a ton of sins and haven’t been to confession in decades. Lucky your due date isn’t for a while. Interview over!” he growled, kicking me clear out of his Den of Iniquity onto the forever traffic jam above, near the INC temple. 

For my halfhearted attempt at an act of goodness all I got was a smoking cloven-hoof burn mark on my behind. – Rappler.com

Rene Ciria Cruz is an editor at PositivelyFilipino.com. He edited the book A Time to Rise: Collective Memoirs of the Union of Democratic Filipinos (KDP), (UP Press), and was Inquirer.net’s US Bureau Chief 2013-2023 . He has written for the San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco Chronicle, Pacific News Service, and California Lawyer Magazine.