The Virgin Mary’s Baby Registry

It’s been months now since Archangel Gabriel announced I would conceive and bear the Son of God through virgin birth. If you’re receiving this epistle, it means you’ve asked if we have a registry. Well, how about this for some “good news”? It’s finally up.

Most of the items can be picked up locally at Herod’s, but those of you coming from the East might have to traverse further afar (sorry). As you’ll see, we’re going for a barnyard-chic aesthetic for the nursery, which we think will create a really fun, bucolic vibe.

But more importantly, know that there is absolutely no pressure to get us anything. Truly, your love is all He needs, and we’d be ecstatic if you could just swing by once He’s born to behold Him, adore Him, or even just fall on your knees and quake at the sight of Him.

Translation: We can’t wait for you to meet our baby!

Gift Registry

• One rustic livestock food trough (a.k.a., the “manger”). This will be His bed. Do not—I repeat, do NOT—gift us a crib. We want absolutely NO CRIB FOR HIS BED

• One clip-on manger mobile with revolving stars looking down where He lay

• Twelve to fifteen lamb fleece rompers, locally sourced from indigenous Judean shepherds (look for the shepherd’s crook logo). I hate to be that mom, but please remember that mixing wool and linens is bad for the baby. See Deuteronomy 22:11

• One Silent Night–brand white noise machine. Please get the one that guarantees “no crying He makes”

• Ample hay—locally sourced. I can’t emphasize enough that our interior decorator is very “hay forward” in her approach, so this item is incredibly important to us

• One baby monitor. Must have Omnipresent Creator Mode that hears and sees all

• One donkey seat with hand-braided rope straps (NOT expired)

• Assorted docile farm animals to assist with peaceful sleep. MUST include lowing cattle

• One hundred boxes of organic BURLAP diapers and BURLAP burp cloths. I know He’s supposed to be perfect, but I have a feeling this sublime little stinker is going to be putting the “mess” in Messiah (LOL)

• One Pure Mama–brand privacy nursing cover

• One big golden halo thing for baby’s head (for oil paintings)

• One wooden stroller cart with ROUND wheels. Needs adapter for compatibility with donkey seat

• One Baby King Solomon–brand Logic Puzzle Toy Set

• Five jars of myrrh-based diaper rash unguent. Get the brand designed to combat EXTREME BURLAP CHAFING

• One set of Noah-brand bath-time toys

• One copy of Abraham’s REVISED AND UPDATED Guide to Modern Parenting and Child Safety

• One jar of Mary Magdalene–brand extra-strength, frankincense-infused perineum care salve. I won’t bore you with the gory details, but let’s just say that according to my doctors, the birth is not going to be nearly as “immaculate” as the conception

Thank you so much, and remember—if you want to visit, just follow that yonder star.

Love everlasting,
Mary