I’m a shadow of myself thanks to abusive wife

DEAR DEIDRE: After years of abuse at my wife’s hands, I need help to leave our marriage without losing my kids.

I no longer have any confidence and friends say I am a shadow of the man I used to be. I’m too ashamed to admit my violent wife demeans and controls me.

I’m 34 and she is 35. We have been married for seven years and have two children, aged six and four.

When I first met her she told me she’d had a very difficult childhood and several abusive relationships.

So when she was aggressive or nasty, I made excuses for her behaviour. She always apologised afterwards and told me how much she loved and needed me.

But now I think she’s also a manipulative ­narcissist and a liar.

She swears at me, picks fights for no reason and makes me feel worthless and ugly. She has thrown plates at my head and even punched me.

I would never hit a woman, but If I try to defend myself she says she’ll tell the police I’m the abusive one.

When we argue, I leave and go to stay in a hotel. Last week, I told her I’d had enough. She said if I tried to divorce her, I’d never see my kids again.

DEIDRE SAYS:  Abuse can beget abuse. It’s likely your wife is repeating patterns of behaviour learned in her childhood.

But that’s no excuse for the way she treats you.

Don’t feel ashamed. This is not your fault and it does not make you less of a man. I’m worried for your physical safety, and that of your children.

Read my support pack, Abusive Partner and contact mensadviceline.org.uk (0808 801 0327). This charity helps men in abusive relationships.

Your wife can’t stop you from seeing your children. Get legal advice through Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).