Harriette Cole: My boyfriend lied about work to get time to himself. How do I deal with that?
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend lied about going to a work thing and instead went to the movies alone. He later said it was b ecause I’m “too clingy.”
Hearing this felt like a huge blow. I want to give him some space, but how can I talk to him about the lie without making things worse?
What should I say to let him know that the big problem is the lie, not that he thinks I’m clingy? I want to keep things calm between us.
— At an Impasse
DEAR AT AN IMPASSE: For your boyfriend to lie to you about needing space is an indication that your communication has broken down.
Of course the lie is upsetting to you, but it sounds like your clinginess is equally upsetting to him. You cannot diminish his feelings about your behavior if you want to get him to understand how much you are impacted by his lying. In his mind, the offenses are equal.
Ask your boyfriend if you can sit down and talk. Apologize for being clingy. Tell him that you didn’t realize that your behavior sometimes makes him want to escape. Admit that this is upsetting to you and that you genuinely want to change.
Give him a chance to express his thoughts on the subject. Listen and do your best not to be defensive. Then tell him that for you, lying is a huge transgression. Ask him not to do that again.
As tough as it may be for you to accept that he doesn’t want to be around you sometimes, you would rather hear that he is going out by himself or with friends than lying about his whereabouts.
DEAR HARRIETTE: This past year has been really tough for me. As I go through challenging times and find myself juggling many responsibilities, I wonder about the things I can do to keep myself feeling good.
When life gets tough, what specific actions or habits can I rely on to stay strong and balanced? I’m interested in learning from others’ experiences to better handle stress and deal with difficult moments in my own life.
— Overwhelmed
DEAR OVERWHELMED: Assess how you spend your time. Write down what you do each day — and be specific.
Break your activities down into categories: personal, home, health, family, work and anything else that is a focal point for you. Under each category, list as many tasks as you can think of that occupy your time.
Then look at your list. What takes up most of your attention? How much time do you spend on yourself? Could you reallocate your time and divert more to tending to you — your health, your mental well-being, your social life, even your sleep?
When you can see your life in black and white, it can be easier for you to understand why you are feeling the way you are.
Now is the time for you to reprioritize your time. Devote more time to yourself each day. Do something daily to celebrate you.
Little victories make us smile inside and can soften whatever defeats or challenges we may be experiencing. Design your time to include opportunities to create tiny successes every single day.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.