Ask Amy: A reader was worn out by a newborn and her husband’s absence. Amy’s advice changed that.
Dear Readers: Periodically, I ask for “Updates” regarding questions which have been published in this space. I am naturally curious about how things might have turned out for people who have received my advice.
This column is devoted to a Q&A that was originally published in 2016.
You can read the original question, followed by my answer. The update follows that.
Dear Amy: I live on the West Coast with a 1-month-old baby. My husband travels to the East Coast for work four nights a week. My tight-knit family lives 2,000 miles away, it’s just me out here, alone with a newborn. This is an impossible situation.
I hate my husband for sleeping through the night and eating his dinners uninterrupted. I hate him even more when he lets his phone die or simply doesn’t take my once-daily call because the timing is inconvenient.
I go back to work in two months, and I know my career will suffer, as I try to single-parent an infant four days a week. My husband will continue with his nicely compartmentalized life. He will never know what it’s like to walk into the office exhausted.
My husband should be able to switch to something local in six months or a year. How do I (and our marriage) survive the next six to 12 months?
Postpartum depression, thankfully, isn’t a factor here.
— Sleepless in Seattle
Dear Sleepless in Seattle: You should set up a time each evening to do a video call, where he and you can talk face to face and include the baby. Given the time difference, right before he goes to bed might be a good time to have this daily appointment.
The very least he can do is to be available for this short daily conference call with his family while he is away, and his one responsibility is to be present for this call.
Additionally, when he is home, you should have times when you leave the household while he is alone with the baby. Given the extreme distance and travel, if he comes home and acts (and is treated) like a guest in the household, he will never successfully integrate into family life.
It is vital that he spend alone time with the baby, where he holds her and physically cares for her. As you well know, it is through physical contact and caretaking that those magical moments of connection occur.
He needs to step up, but, unfortunately, you are going to have to show him how.
This is an extremely tough situation, but it is finite. Your husband needs to show you that you are appreciated, valued and emotionally supported.
Dear Amy: Seven years ago, I wrote to you as an exhausted new mom, caring for a newborn alone, while my husband traveled weekly for work.
That infant is now a grade-schooler and my marriage is (thankfully) still intact.
I took your advice and scheduled a daily video call for my husband, baby, and me.
In addition, you recommended we plan regular time for my husband to be alone with the baby. My husband took the baby out every Saturday morning while I slept and relaxed.
I needed the silence and space more than I realized. Plus, my husband made memories with our child.
In my letter, I expected the travel to last six months. Instead it lasted nearly four years. We built a routine around your advice and survived.
Finally, thank you for answering my letter with compassion and empathy.
I felt guilty for feeling as angry with my husband as I did, and your validation of my feelings went a long way.
— No Longer Sleepless
Dear No Longer Sleepless: I firmly believe that most people who write in are looking for a “second opinion,” supportive statements, or perhaps a nudge to proceed in the same direction where they were already headed.
Yours is a somewhat rare example where I offered concrete suggestions and an actual prescription, you followed these, and — it worked!
I’m delighted this worked for you, not (only) to make me seem like a smarty-pants, but because your little family seems to be thriving.
I call that a big win — and thank you so much for the update.
Any reader who would like to submit an “update” should email me at askamy@amydickinson.com, write “update” in the subject line, include the original Q&A (if you have access to it), and let us all know what happened next!
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)