Here's why moving on after cheating is hard — even if you're the one who had an affair

• If you enter a new relationship without processing your last one, it could catch up with you. 
• A therapist said feelings of remorse and shame can be hard to face, but doing so can lead to closure.
• She suggested reflecting on your past and avoiding black-and-white thinking.

Dear Julia,

Three years ago, I cheated on my then-boyfriend. Now, I'm in a loving relationship with the man I cheated on him with, but I still can't get my ex out of my head.

The man I cheated with had been a previous fling but I felt so guilty about what I had done. I came clean to my boyfriend and fought hard to try to save our relationship. But our dynamic became toxic and my boyfriend broke up with me a year later.

When I heard that he had started to date someone new, I reached back out to the man I had cheated with. He still lived nearby, and I couldn't stop thinking about him. The attraction was still there, and we hit it off just like we did three years ago.

Soon after my new relationship became official, I heard through mutual friends that my ex was unhappy about it and that he thought of my new beau as his biggest insecurity. Since hearing this news, I can't stop thinking about my ex and that there might be a chance to be with him.

I'm so confused. I love my current partner, but worry that I didn't take the time to fully mourn the heartbreak of my previous relationship. What should I do?

- Virginia

Dear Virginia,

I'm sorry you feel unsettled by thoughts about your ex-boyfriend. Moving on from a relationship is never easy, especially when it was not your choice.

While there's nothing wrong with seeking connection following a breakup, diving into a fresh relationship before processing your previous one can make it difficult to be fully present with a new partner, Leanna Stockard, a therapist who specializes in repairing broken trust in relationships, told me.

She said that learning to face lingering feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion due to your past infidelity can help you shed self-judgment and understand why you acted in ways you may now regret. This process can help someone forgive themself, which is essential for having healthy relationships in the future, said Stockard.

It's impossible to control whether someone else forgives you, even if you apologize. But you can always learn to forgive yourself, which will in turn limit any temptation your brain might have to fixate on past love.

Reflect on why you cheated

It may sound counterintuitive, but to stop fixating on your relationship with your ex, you must think deeply about your relationship with him, Stockard told me.

She said that understanding why you cheated, and why your relationship felt toxic, could help you feel a sense of closure, especially if you feel like you didn't fully mourn the relationship when it ended.

According to Stockard, it's important to consider how past experiences and your dynamic with your partner contributed to your decision to step out on him.

"Dive deeper into those past experiences and how your current situation and environment might have encouraged you to make those mistakes or engage in those behaviors you learned. Try to understand the why," Stockard said.

If, for example, someone learned from a young age that being emotionally guarded was safer than being vulnerable during tough moments, then they might self-sabotage their relationship when they feel uncomfortably close to a partner, Stockard explained to me.

"If you're focused on just the cheating in that one situation, you're not going to get a full, clear picture as to why you did it," Stockard said. And without that full picture, it will be more difficult to learn and grow from your missteps.

As you start to do this, Stockard suggested telling your current boyfriend that you need some time to figure out some complicated emotions you're feeling. Express to him that you want to share the details, but first, you need to think about it yourself.

This approach allows for transparency, while also ensuring your current partner's perspective on the situation doesn't interfere with your personal process. And, if you seem more distant than usual, he'll know why that is, according to Stockard.

You may not be able to be fully present with your current partner while you do this, but that's a short-term consequence for the long-term benefit of being fully over your ex, Stockard told me.

Remember that cheating doesn't have to define you

As you consider how your upbringing, previous relationships, and worldview have contributed to your dynamics with partners, you may have a lingering feeling of guilt for how you behaved, according to Stockard. Or, you may feel the urge to avoid taking any responsibility for what happened.

When you notice these thoughts and feelings, it's important to remind yourself how complex relationships are in order to avoid black-and-white thinking, Stockard told me.

"There needs to be a sense of forgiveness for yourself, and recognition that we're human beings and humans make mistakes. But mistakes don't define our lives, and they don't necessarily determine all future actions," Stockard said.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

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