Ask Amy: My husband says he’s afraid he’ll be punished for his behavior toward me
Dear Amy: Ever since the #metoo era my husband does not initiate sex.
We’ve talked about this. He says that doing so could be construed as sexual harassment.
He doesn’t talk about sex or make innuendos. He no longer tells jokes — he says it is because they could be of a sexual nature and that he doesn’t want to be demeaning to women.
When I do want sex, he is quite accommodating, though I have to explicitly tell him what I like. He never tells me what he likes because, he says, if he says something it may be taken the wrong way.
He no longer compliments me (or any other man or woman) on how I (or they) look or dress. He used to be quite forthcoming. He now says that he doesn’t want to be judgmental.
Other than that, we have a good relationship. He drinks only an occasional beer, and we have great discussions about what’s going on in the world, (except for things that concern sex, such as any LGBTQ issues or fashion).
If he does complain, it’s about something he could have done better. He’s in great shape and easy on the eyes. But I miss the easy, loving, uninhibited sex life that we used to share.
My husband says he’s sorry that he can’t be a part of that because times have changed and that his previous behavior is not acceptable for a man anymore.
Any suggestions?
– Sad Wife
Dear Sad Wife: I must admit to being a bit baffled by your question.
There are aspects to your account that make your husband’s behavior toward you seem deliberately hostile, punitive and extremely passive-aggressive.
On the other hand, maybe he is someone who has sincerely misunderstood the lessons of the #metoo movement and is so afraid of being “punished” that he has decided to completely shut off a side of his own personality, and take your intimate relationship with it.
My own instinct is with the former. Your husband seems to be engaging in a sort of guerrilla “backlash” against the #metoo movement, which was never about loving consensual relationships between spouses, telling jokes, or discussing fashion or LGBTQ issues.
If my instinct is correct (and I could be wrong!), he is craftily inflating and co-opting #metoo standards to cover his actual motivation, which is to punish you – and perhaps women in general.
You might ask him if he has engaged in any online or in-person groups that have influenced his perspective and behavior.
Alternatively, because your husband seems to be so anxious about possibly offending you (or others) – presumably without a history of having done so – it would be a great idea for you two to sit down with a marriage counselor (he might prefer talking to a male) to address his anxiety.
The goal should be for him to regain a sense of comfort regarding his own right to be himself.
Dear Amy: My husband passed away suddenly 10 months ago.
Many people have brought up the topic of dating. I find that it’s insensitive.
What is an appropriate response to, “When are you going to date again?”
– New Widow
Dear New Widow: I’m sure readers will want to help with this, but I think you might want to consider a version of: “That’s a very surprising question; I don’t really know how to answer it.”
Sometimes, a person can flag disdain for a question by responding, “Why are you asking?” In your case, I think this response could perhaps invite more unfortunate suggestions and queries.
Dear Amy: I am appalled at your response to “Tired,” who has observed her friend Christy withstand numerous and life-threatening assaults by her significant other. Her friend will eventually die by the hand of her abuser.
Tired must intercede in a less passive way – such as contacting the police, irrespective of Christy pressing charges.
Your solution is no solution. I am telling you again: Christy is at high risk for being murdered.
– Dr. JP
Dear Dr: Because of her extreme frustration at this ongoing abusive situation, Tired had decided to completely drop her friend.
I urged her to continue with the relationship, given that the friendship might be an important lifeline for Christy.
One concern I had was that if Tired called the police, Christy might sever the friendship altogether.
I do appreciate your alarm, as well as your suggestion. I agree that police must get involved; I was hoping that Tired could persuade Christy to make the call.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.