Your boss is probably doing your 1:1 wrong

• Many of us have one-on-ones with our boss. But often, these meetings aren't done right.
• Bosses sometimes talk too much, or workers aren't ready to lead the conversation. 
• Getting it right can boost a worker's engagement, productivity, and overall happiness.

It's the meeting on your calendar with the teeny title — 1:1 or maybe 1x1 — yet it can punch way above its weight.

That routine one-on-one meeting with your boss can play an outsize role in how your career progresses and how satisfied you are at work and even in your life.

The trouble is many bosses, and even those reporting to them, are doing one-on-ones wrong. That's according to Steven G. Rogelberg, an organizational psychologist and professor at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. He studies these meetings that are as much a part of most jobs as an overflowing inbox.

At a time when many of us report being burned out, stressed out, or just bored at work — and when many of us aren't always seeing our bosses face to face — getting the one-on-one right is essential, Rogelberg told Business Insider.

One of the biggest problems is something anyone who's ever been in a bad one-on-one can relate to: The boss talks too much or uses the meetings solely to run down a list of tasks instead of letting the worker lead the conversation, he said.

A 2023 post on the app Blind revealed what's at stake: "Every second of the 30 minutes are spent discussing project updates," the person wrote, adding, "I walk away from every 1:1 feeling hopeless, demotivated, angry and disgusted. Been 8 years in software and this is my first time feeling like this."

Rogelberg said one-on-one meetings are designed to meet the tactical needs of a worker and the personal ones. Rogelberg said digging into personal needs means saying things like, "Tell me more" so a boss can understand what a worker might need help with beyond a to-do list. But bosses often skip past the personal because that takes more work, he said.

"It's kind of akin to having a great meal, but if you had bad service it still wasn't a good experience," Rogelberg said of a meeting that only addresses the practical aspects of a job.

It doesn't need to last long

Bosses should set aside about 25 minutes a week, or 50 minutes if every two weeks, according to Rogelberg, who's author of "Glad We Met: The Art and Science of 1:1 Meetings." Meeting more than once a week can make workers feel micromanaged while meeting only monthly can leave workers feeling like the boss doesn't care. Ultimately, what matters more than how long meetings last is how well the time is used, he said.

Of course, not all workers are eager to chat. One Reddit user rejoiced when one-on-ones got scrubbed. "My last several 1:1s have been canceled at the last minute and I was very glad to see that," the person wrote.

Rogelberg recommends that if a boss does have to cancel a one-on-one, he or she should reschedule it before the meeting is set to occur — even if it's for half the time. "That's actually more valuable than just letting it go," he said.

Managers should be asking what challenges workers might want to talk through, how the manager can better support the worker, and what's going well — and not well, Rogelberg said. He recommends that meetings include time to focus on longer-term issues. It's also possible to devote one of every four meetings to those ideas, he noted.

Good one-on-ones can make you happier

Getting it right matters, Rogelberg said, because good one-on-ones can drive employee satisfaction, engagement, and even the worker's happiness in life. "The outcomes associated with effective one-on-ones are amazing," he said.

Rogelberg said surveys show half of one-on-ones get poor marks from workers and that managers consistently think they're doing better at these meetings than they are.

It's understandable that managers who are used to leading the convo might keep going in a one-on-one. "Research shows that talking about yourself triggers the same areas of your brain that are associated with good food and sex," Rogelberg quipped.

When managers are too quick to give their perspective on how to solve problems, it can stunt the employee's development — and sap a worker's motivation.

Beyond taking up too much air time, running through to-do's lets managers fall into what Rogelberg calls the status-update trap. "That's not the goal of these things. Because that serves the manager's needs," he said.

That's part of the reason why workers need to show up prepared. Direct reports, Rogelberg recommends, should be doing the talking about 50% to 90% of the time. And bosses need to listen.

"These are not optional activities for leaders," he said. "This is the one meeting that should not be an email."