My best friend is 20 years older than I am. Her son was my high school student.
Courtesy of the author
- I met my best friend Penny when her son, Josh, was in my high school English class.
- After he was diagnosed with cancer, I visited him in the hospital, and she and I became friends.
- She's 20 years older than I am and while we have many differences, we also have a lot in common.
My best friend Penny Castle has two decades on me. With those decades, she has some sound advice: for example, you know the 'good' candle? The expensive one you got as a gift that smells absolutely incredible? Don't save it — burn the good candle. Wear the pricy perfume for no reason other than how much you like it. Order dessert. Take the trip. These were all things she told me, and I live by her advice.
When I met Penny in 2017, a year after I started teaching her son, Josh, high school English, I didn't realize I was meeting my best friend. Josh was a star English student who loved cats and enjoyed learning — easily likable, much like his mom. Penny and I had a quick, simple exchange when handing over stationery for the coming year ("Oh, YOU'RE the teacher Josh won't shut up about"), but I came to know Penny better soon in an unexpected way.
When Josh was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma, a rare cancer seldom seen in kids his age, I went to visit him in the hospital after he'd requested visits from his teachers — if they were willing. I adored him, and one visit turned into weekly visits both at the hospital and at home once he was discharged. What began as small talk with his mom at the start of visits became one of the most important relationships in my life.
I became close with Penny while visiting her son
Penny knew she couldn't get rid of me after I became the designated tea maker for visitors, knowing where the nice mugs were kept in the kitchen cupboards. Afternoons would roll into dinners with takeout, and soon, we were chatting into the early morning hours. Penny's husband, Shannon, would be there, as would Josh and his younger brother, Chris. My husband, Chris (dubbed "Chris the Elder"), started joining, and we all became inseparable. When we lost Josh a year after his diagnosis, we supported each other through the unbearable loss.
Even after they emigrated to London (from Johannesburg, where we met), we stayed just as close. Penny and I are both writers — she's a novelist and screenwriter, whereas I'm a copywriter and journalist. She points out that our other similarities include the fact that we both think I have a hot husband, that mac-and-cheese is the elixir of life, and we both know Josh was one of the coolest kids around. She also notes that we are both perpetually covered in animal hair — all true.
Courtesy of the author
And though we do have a lot of similarities, we also have plenty of differences. I love Bruce Springsteen, and Penny thinks he's awful. I don't love the Pixies, while Penny would erect a shrine to the band if she could. Her shelves are full of nonfiction, while mine have books about dragons or the odd classic like "The Great Gatsby" — a book Penny loathes.
Our relationship is special to me
With 20 years between us, we're often asked if it's a surrogate mother-daughter relationship. Penny says it is, albeit one where I'm the mom, or even an almost Mary Poppins-like figure trying to make her look after herself, even though I'm younger. That doesn't mean I haven't learned from her. In fact, she's one of the most influential people in my life. She has taught me what genuine courage looks like. Her deliciously dark humor makes her a phenomenal comedian, and she helps me see the lighter side of everything.
We got each other through various bouts of COVID-19, leaving groceries and medication outside each others' doors. I remember opening the bag of 'essentials' that Penny left us and pulling out a massive chocolate cake.
Josh's favorite quote was the Theodore Roosevelt quote about being the "man in the arena" — it was even an excerpt at his memorial, an apt choice given how damn hard he fought to stick around. If we aspire to be the man in the arena, then Penny is the person you want on your side. She is relentlessly supportive. "Ray of sunshine" is an abused cliché, but Penny truly is one. Her warmth, wit, and generosity know no bounds.
Penny embodies the ethos of paying it forward, which has, in turn, impacted my life where I emulate her and do the same. Having lost Josh when he was just 15, she is a fervent believer in celebrating the everyday moments. That's why we burn the good candles and don't save bubbly for special occasions.
Though I stopped teaching in 2023, seven years after Josh's diagnosis, I was given so many gifts in those nine years I spent in the classroom. My best friend and her gorgeous family are one of the few gifts that keep on giving.