My husband has been sending money and sexual messages to women he met online

DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has been sending hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds to a series of women he has been exchanging sexual messages with online.

We’re both 48 and have been married for 22 years.

Rather than admit he’d been sexting these women, he just claims he has been scammed out of the money.

I might have believed him but, rather than go to the police, he’s set up a separate bank account so I can no longer see how much money he’s throwing away.

He shows no remorse and I’m sure he’s continuing to message these women.

I’m devastated and don’t know what to do.

I knew something was up last summer when he decided to stay at home with our dogs while I went away with our family.

During the time I was away, I saw that he had withdrawn £500 in just four days.

When I asked him what he’d bought with the money, he said he needed to sort some DIY, and had also gone down the pub a couple of times.

But that night I had a look on our computer and saw all these seedy messages from women I’d never even met.

Even when confronted with the evidence he’s gone into denial mode about all this.

I don’t see how I can break through if he’s not even willing to tell me the truth.

We’ve spoken about going and seeing a counsellor.

But despite initially agreeing to do this, my husband is now stalling.

What can I do next? I don’t know what to do any more.

DEIDRE SAYS: There may be an element of truth in what your husband is saying.

We hear regularly from people who start online affairs only to be blackmailed for huge amounts of money.

He may be terrified that whoever he has been messaging is about to humiliate him.

However worried he is, though, his behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

Let him know you are devastated by his cheating – because even if he hasn’t physically cheated with these women his attention has been turned away from your relationship.

Insist that he closes his private account and runs any payments by you first.

And tell him if he doesn’t accompany you to counselling, you will take it as a sign that he doesn’t want to rebuild your relationship.

It is concerning he has spent such big sums of money behind your back which, if unchecked, will no doubt leave you financially compromised.

He’s unrealistic if expecting you to ignore all this, which shows he hasn’t admitted to himself how damaging his behaviour is.

If he won’t join in counselling, please go alone, as you will need to work out your next steps.

Tavistockrelationships.org.uk has reputable relationship therapists.