Below Deck Mediterranean Season-Finale Recap: The Last Dance

The season that feels like it would never (or nevah, as Kyle says) end has finally concluded, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to be put out of my misery. It has been an all-time bad season that marks a major low point for the franchise, largely thanks to the awful cast, who were so grating it made for completely uninteresting television. Dear Below Deck producers, please never let us endure a series with vile Kyle and Natalya ever again.

But before we pop some Champagne in celebration, we have to dive into this eventful finale. It’s the second day of the charter, so the guests are finally freed from the jail that is Mustique to go on their excursion to Portofino, where they do some shopping and sightseeing. While they grab lunch — during which Stephanie and Jeff continue bickering — Tumi calls Jessika to check on how she’s doing with the dinner-party prep and informs her that Max and Lily need to head to the pool she reserved to set up for the foam party.

Lily and Max, whom Luka calls his biggest challenge this season, may not have been the right pair to assign such a seemingly simple task to because it ends up being a huge flop. They head to the beach club far in advance, yet Max somehow can’t get the foam machine to work despite reading the five-step instructions in French. So by the time Tumi, Kyle, Luka (who probably should’ve initially helped set up), and the guests arrive, the pool just looks depressing. Tumi is shocked (“The word disaster would be a complete understatement”) but tries to do some damage control by having Lily distract the disappointed guests with games. Much to my surprise, Kyle makes himself useful by swooping in and getting the machine to function properly. Leave it to Kyle to start doing his job on the last full day of the season.

Back on the boat, Jessika’s tablescape for the Hollywood-glam-themed dinner is done to perfection, so everyone showers her in praise, which she appreciates since she loves validation. Jack decides to “go out with a bang” by making an extravagant surf-and-turf feast, and he delivers on that promise. So much so that they give him a standing ovation afterward. If it weren’t for his food, this charter would’ve ended up being a complete failure, so props to him.

In addition to constant texts from Nat about how excited she is to see Luka, he’s also still in contact with Katie Flood, who texts him some non-flirty things — well, at least based on what was shown — including pictures of a dog. Kyle gets a glimpse of Luka’s phone in the galley and decides to blab about to Lara because he thought the texts seemed “flirty.” He doesn’t want to tell Jess, but she overhears their conversation in the laundry room anyway. She’s obviously pissed, calls Luka a “whore,” and decides to seek revenge, meaning we’re going to witness some behavior that induces second-hand embarrassment.

Once the guests leave, Lara luckily feels better and returns to the boat just in time for the final night out. But first, Sandy expresses that it was an “absolute joy” to work with the entire crew and shares that the final tip of $15,000 brings the season total to $182,000, or $14,279 per person. Hearing that number makes me realize that I, too, would likely suck it up and work with such chaotic yachties.

Here’s my controversial take from this season: I’m not a fan of Sandy based on her terrible behavior in past seasons, but I’m surprised to find that I wasn’t completely bothered by her this time around (don’t get me wrong, she still had her bad moments). Maybe it’s just because the rest of the crew sucked so much that it drowned her out, but Sandy definitely doesn’t sit as low on my cast-member rankings for this season.

Dinner, which Sandy attends per tradition, functions more as a hors d’oeuvre for the real drama that occurs later in the night. Jess gets completely obliterated in front of her sober captain and calls Luka out for “talking to your other girlfriends” since he’s distracted by flirtatious messages from Natalya. Once the meal is over, Sandy takes it as her cue to leave, and shit proceeds to go south. After Max sees a text on Jack’s phone saying that Nat is in Genoa, he decides to share the news with everyone at the table. Kyle’s stunned reaction is truly priceless. He says he feels “betrayed” by his co-workers who kept it a secret and then argues with Lara for not telling him because he “considered her to be his own sister.” Cry me a river. He and Tumi step away to the restaurant’s bar, where he sobs while Tumi tries to calm him down for the tenth time in a matter of weeks.

After they’re a few drinks in at the nightclub, Natalya struts in, ready to stir the pot one last time. Luka immediately pulls her for a hug and calls her “baby,” while Kyle looks like he just saw a ghost. Luka acts like he’s completely forgotten about Jess and puts all his attention on Nat, which makes a wasted Jess spiral and attempt to retaliate by making out with a random guy. Luka doesn’t give two shits because, remember, he doesn’t get attached to women. He’s literally like, “I don’t give a fuck,” and starts making out with Nat, who jokes that she’s going to tell Jess “thank you for your service” for keeping her place warm during her absence. She is an absolute menace.

There is a brief break to address the elephant in the room, a.k.a. Kyle and Nat’s ongoing beef. They have a chat about their feelings about the heated drama between them, specifically after her involvement in his disagreement with Max, and Kyle acknowledges that he took his anger out on her and apologizes. He adds that he hopes they can be friends again, and spoiler, they’re BFFs again. I’m not surprised because, as Nat said at the start of the season, they’re twin flames.

Back to our regularly scheduled program, Jess decides to go up to Nat and tell her, “Don’t look at [Luka], bitch,” because he’s apparently her “boyfriend.” Oh, to be this delusional. Jess is acting this way over a man who has no interest in dating her and only began a boatman with her after Natalya left … girl, pick yourself up! In the van ride back to the boat, Max, who claims he’s losing respect for Luka because of his treatment of Jess, asks Jack and Lily if he can kiss Jess to help make Luka jealous. What don’t these people get about Luka not having a care in the world??? Lily says, “I don’t care, but I do care,” which Max takes as a “yes.” When they arrive, he lets Lily stumble out of the van alone so that he and Jess can stick their tongues down each other’s throats. Meanwhile, Luka is in his cabin and nowhere to be seen on deck, so it isn’t quite “revenge.” When Lily sees them, Jess says, “Sorry, Lil, he’s a good kisser,” which officially puts her on my shitlist, not really because of the kiss Max initiated but because of her irritating tone.

When Luka decides to start flirting with Jess again, Lara gets annoyed while watching Jess continue to throw herself at a guy who clearly “doesn’t want her.” Thus, she goes off on Jess, telling her she has no respect for herself and that she needs a “mental fucking check.” Kyle gets involved, telling Jess that she’s aware of the fact that Luka is speaking to other women, so she can’t “act brand new.” Whew. Regardless of whether they’re correct, I don’t really see how it’s any of their business.

In the morning, Lily wakes up with a “UDI,” or “Unidentified Drinking Injury,” due to a fall she took while drunkenly running toward the ocean the previous night, and can barely walk as a result. Since she’s still signed onto the boat, Sandy is required to send Lily to a doctor, so she’s the first to go. The Genoa hospital was probably sick of seeing the cast members show up every week. Haleigh leaves next without any parting words, which is fitting for someone who barely got any screen time. As for Max, he’s thrilled to finally have his freedom once again. Congrats to him for seeing a job through for likely the first time ever.

In his final confessional, Luka admits that he has some regrets about the previous night but blames it on “BDL,” or “Bad Decision Luka.” Because every brü needs an alter ego, right? He and Jess leave separately, so I have to assume that their Cannes trip didn’t happen as expected. Jess shares that her biggest takeaways from this experience are to never date an F-boy and that she gained some confidence as a stew (though still not enough to be a leader). I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of Luka in the franchise because he’s a hard-working pretty boy who brings the type of drama that Below Deck tends to love. He may have the personality equivalent of white bread, but he sure knows how to run a deck crew, especially for someone who was thrown into the deep end.

When it’s Kyle’s turn, he tearfully thanks Sandy for her support throughout the season, and she tells him he’s a “good person,” which I’d be more annoyed by if it weren’t already a fact that Sandy has questionable judgment. Kyle tells us that this season has taught him how to control his emotions, so he now believes that he’ll be able to handle being a chief stew. I sincerely hope this is the last time we ever have to see him, and if Bravo does decide to have him return — let alone as a chief stew — in the future, we must riot.

There were high standards for Tumi coming into this season because of how beloved she was in Down Under, and while she didn’t quite live up to them, I have to give her the benefit of the doubt due to the incredibly difficult interior team she had to manage. Working with Natalya, Kyle, Jess, and even Lily within a matter of weeks would make even the most experienced chief stew struggle big time. “I need a vacation ASAP. And a therapist,” she tells us before departing. After this shitshow, don’t we all?