Our kids live in the family home, and my ex-husband and I take turns staying there. Here are our tips to make 'nesting' work.
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- 'Bird nesting' is when children stay in the family home post-divorce, and parents move in and out.
- My family has been doing it for two years, and we've learned how to make it successful for us.
- Sorting out the financial side of things ahead of time was key, and we decide on rules together.
After years of moving countries as a family for work, we landed in Mexico in early 2018 and promised our kids no more big changes until they graduated from high school. When my ex and I decided to separate a few years later, we were determined to stick to our promise to minimize disruptions as much as possible. As we discussed the logistics of our split, imagining the kids packing up weekly to change houses didn't sit well with me. A friend proposed the idea of nesting.
Bird nesting is when the children stay in the family home, and the parents are the ones who swap over depending on who has custody. The kids keep their routines and home. Our family has now been nesting for two years. Here's what is working for us.
The split needs to be amicable for nesting to work
There is no way a nesting arrangement works if the separation is acrimonious. Successful nesting requires open lines of communication, particularly during the first year, as you work out the unexpected. Parents — and children — need the ability to compromise. Nesting isn't for you if every conversation ends in a screaming fight.
The end of a marriage isn't easy for most. Therapy was crucial for me. It helped me understand our roles in what went wrong and heal enough so I could leave the past in the past. Putting our children's well-being ahead of everything else has been crucial to our success in nesting, and has helped me look at challenges through a different lens.
When tough times hit, and frustrations arise — as they will — the golden rule is never to speak badly about the other parent in front of your children, even if they try to open that door. Your children are half you and half your ex. If my children want to vent, my go-to is to acknowledge their frustration, remind them how all humans are flawed, and then highlight one of their dad's wonderful characteristics and remind them of my own flaws.
Sort out the financial side of things before separating
When you've finally decided to separate, it's tempting to rush and get it over with, but taking the time to explore our options and work out the financial details before splitting was vital to our success.
How you manage the shared household expenses, including mortgage payments or rent, maintenance, grocery shopping, as well as kids' expenses, will affect how you run your day-to-day managing the shared household. It was important for both of us to understand what we both expected from each other. These can be particularly tricky conversations where couples therapy or a mediator is an excellent investment in your future co-parenting relationship.
Go over household rules and parenting guidelines together
Growing up, "Go ask your mother," was my father's go-to answer to any request. He did not wish to get caught in the line of fire.
During nesting, we've found it essential to be on the same page to create a sense of consistency. It's been a strange adjustment for me, as I was used to handling most of the minutiae of my girl's lives, but now I know that even when I'm not there, decisions about what they are doing have been made by consensus. It was time-consuming at first, but we set guidelines and we've adjusted them as needed.
Communication is the best way to avoid misunderstandings and frustrations
At first, every situation is new: the first time your kid wants to attend a party, or when you discover you have mice in the kitchen. One child decides they want to quit track and start figure skating. And whose plastic food storage container is that in the freezer with the ominous grey sludge?
How you communicate is a very personal decision. It may be quick texts, weekly meetings, video calls, or a combination. Having an agenda allowed us to save and track issues as they emerged, using Messenger only for urgent matters. The document allowed us to keep track of various issues and assign who was handling what. It also provided a space to mark issues we needed more time to consider without losing sight.
Not having been a great communicator during your marriage doesn't doom your lines of communication once you are separated. I found that discussing logistics felt like running an efficient family business once we removed affairs of the heart and marital expectations.
Plan for possible changes
We discussed handling unexpected changes like job loss or the need to move for work early on. Having some ideas and agreements in place was essential to mitigate future tensions.
Nesting came with a host of sacrifices and adjustments. For most couples, finances are going to take a severe hit. Increased expenses, such as ensuring we had therapy to support us through the changes, meant cutting down on many things we used to enjoy. Remembering why we are doing it and that this, too, shall end when our kids make their way into the world makes the sacrifices more than worth it.