Miss Manners: I couldn’t afford the bride’s party, and now everyone’s mad at me
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine is getting married and I’m over the moon for her. She has been planning an extravagant overseas wedding for almost three years now.
As a really close friend of the bride, I’d anticipated being asked to be a bridesmaid. That day never came, as I watched post after post of less-close friends receiving pretty baskets and invites to participate in the wedding. I kept my disappointment hidden, but it did hurt, because I thought we were close.
Five months ago, she asked me to come to the bachelorette party. I was happy to contribute and attend, but I wasn’t clued in as to how much the event would cost until two weeks ago. I was surprised when I got my portion of the bill and it was going to be in the triple digits!
After a week of trying to figure out if I could make it work somehow (I even considered a loan), I decided to tell her I wouldn’t be able to do so. I just can’t afford it, and it would damage me financially for a long time to come.
She’s now very angry at me, and the bridal party had to cancel their original plans for the bachelorette party. They couldn’t offset my portion of the costs, so they had to choose a cheaper venue.
Obviously, I feel terrible and am now strongly considering skipping the wedding — I don’t know if it’s best to attend a wedding where everyone is angry with me.
But it’s gotten me wondering: What’s the etiquette here? Should this have been expected of me as a guest, and not part of the wedding party?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hates to be the one to tell you, but this bride is no friend.
She has demonstrated that she does not consider you among her intimates, only worthy of making financial contributions. And when those could not be counted on, she turned on you.
This is not friendship.
As for attending the wedding, you mentioned that it is extravagant and overseas, two things that would lead Miss Manners to believe that the monetary extortion is far from over. She would advise you to decline politely.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a two-bedroom vacation condo at the beach. I’ve invited married friends for a visit, and they have asked if their high school and college-aged kids could join us.
I don’t want their kids there. I want just the two couples, each with a private bed and bath — not spring break with people sleeping on sofas.
How do I tell these folks no? They are my friends.
GENTLE READER: “Sorry, we just don’t have the room.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.