Ask Amy: Husband’s new friend becomes a menace
Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our mid-70s
“Steve” is 20 years younger. He befriended my husband and started stopping by our house, offering help with technical problems.
Steve would chat with me and then head to the "man cave" to watch sports on TV, etc. with my husband.
He seemed nice.
A couple of months ago, Steve grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me full on the mouth.
This was not a friendly peck on the cheek. He overpowered me.
I was so shocked that I just stepped back and was silent.
After that, whenever Steve was expected at the house, I would “hide out” in my backyard studio.
One day he arrived earlier than expected, and when I opened my studio door, he was standing in the doorway.
I pushed past him and left. I decided to finally tell my husband what was going on.
To my surprise, he didn’t seem to think this was a big deal. He refused to stop this guy’s visits to our house.
I had to threaten to actually leave him before he agreed not to have Steve in our house.
My husband likes the help Steve gives him with his computer, etc. Yesterday he asked me to reconsider having him over. He says he’s a “nice guy.”
I responded that he is a creep.
I feel terribly disrespected and hurt, and don’t know how to get over this.
– Betrayed Wife
Dear Betrayed: “Steve” sexually assaulted you.
Your response to the assault is a common reaction. You were shocked and tried to get through the moment. After that, you avoided this person because you didn’t feel safe.
This was a smart move, because you are NOT safe around him.
I find your description of this guy’s presence in your lives disturbing.
The first point I want to make is that if he did this to you, I think it is possible that he will commit a crime against your husband, too. Steve should NOT have any access to your computers/accounts or personal information about your family or home.
In terms of your husband’s reaction – I can imagine how heartbroken you must feel that he isn’t more supportive of you.
When Steve steals your husband’s identity, he might feel differently about this friendship.
I think you have some decisions to make, including the idea of pursuing this matter through the criminal justice system. In addition to the assault, Steve showed up at the backyard studio entrance on your property at an unexpected time.
A restraining order would legally keep him off of your property. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about your husband’s weird and worrisome efforts to bring him back.
If you’re unsure about your options, a counselor could help you to sort things out.
Dear Amy: My wife and I are going to have a baby in two months. We are very excited.
My mother is very excited, too. This will be her first grandchild.
The other day my mother brought up the idea of bringing her dog with her into the delivery room while my wife gives birth.
We all love this dog (and my mom), but this seems bonkers to me. She says it will be great for the newborn baby to get used to the dog and that the dog will be like an “emotional support animal” for all of us.
My wife hates this idea, but I’m not sure how to respond to my mother.
We agreed to ask you for ideas of what to say.
– Worried Future Dad
Dear Worried: Reword this sentiment: “Hell to the no,” and take it from there.
The hospital will not allow a dog in the delivery room.
And you should not allow your mother in the delivery room, either.
Your child’s birth should be shared by you and your wife as a private and intimate event.
You are going to need a lot of practice in establishing healthy boundaries with your mother, and this is the place to start.
Dear Amy: Your reply to “Grasping,” the parent concerned about how they will be able to get along with their daughter’s future in-laws – who don’t speak English – left out the obvious answer: Hand-held translation (old-fashioned and modern)!
When our son married a lovely Brazilian woman 22 years ago, we and her parents carried around small English-Portuguese dictionaries whenever we were together. Now, translation is in our phones, which are omnipresent.
– Hold On, Let Me Look That Up
Dear Hold On: Absolutely. “Obrigada!”
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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