How to maintain a good relationship with difficult parents, even if they keep disappointing you

• Maintaining a relationship with parents can be hard when you have different views and boundaries.
• But a relationship therapist told Business Insider that you don't have to cut them off completely.
• Sarah Epstein shared four tips for maintaining a relationship with difficult parents.

It can be hard for adult children and parents to have a fulfilling relationship, especially if parents refuse to acknowledge or compromise on differences in opinion or lifestyle.

"The terms of the relationship are usually always set by the parents, but children growing up changes that," Sarah Epstein, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Texas, told Business Insider. "This leads to these big questions of 'How do we maintain that bond?' and 'What level of involvement feels good for both parents and children and one another's worlds?'"

These questions can be a great prompt to start family therapy, an industry estimated to make $60 billion in 2024.

But sometimes, these differences can build up to the point where it feels like the relationship isn't working, even after you've tried talking it out, Epstein said. This could be parents refusing to follow parenting principles you think are important, such as not physically disciplining your child, or continuously bringing up diet and weight when you've asked them not to.

But this doesn't mean you should necessarily cut off your parents, said Epstein, who shared her tips for maintaining your relationship with family members who won't change.

Figure out how distant you're comfortable being

You don't have to go completely no contact with your parents, Epstein said, because there are "gradations of estrangement." You can maintain a relationship with them that is far more distant than it used to be, and reduce your contact with them as much as you'd like until you're ready to work on the relationship.

This might look like going to the same family event as your parents, but not seeing them individually, or letting them see your children but not leaving them in their custody overnight.

"It doesn't have to be all or nothing," Epstein said.

Accept any feelings of loss

"We might have a dream for how our relationship with our parents will be and what it might be like to have a really fun, mutual adult relationship — and to find that your parents can't offer you that is a loss. There's not been a death, but it's a loss of a world you envisioned you might have," Epstein said.

She said the best way to deal with that feeling is to make room for it and process it like you would with other types of grief.

Plus, she said, you can lean on others to fill the roles you hoped your parents would and instead look for other ways to build connections with your parents that are more aligned with what they can offer.

Set firm boundaries and stick to them

Write a list of what you are and aren't happy to talk about with your parents and stick to that list, Epstein said.

Steer conversations toward topics you know you're happy to broach and let them know you won't be engaging in others you aren't comfortable with, such as politics, weight, or child-rearing, Epstein said.

If they bring up these topics, you can tell them that your boundaries have been crossed so you will be leaving, but that you can try again another day, she suggested.

Expect the expected

"With family members who have done the same thing over and over again, you need to expect the expected," Epstein said. "This way you won't be caught off guard or furious — you'll know what's coming. And you can prepare and respond in the way you want to."

You can also put a plan in place for after the expected happens, she said, whether that's taking a bathroom break to give yourself a second to collect your thoughts, having a partner's hand to squeeze or to stick up for you, or having a friend you can call after you've left.