The strange prime-time presence of Celebrity Big Brother on ITV is further proof channel is at war with their viewers
FOR all those of us who’ve dismissed Gen Z and millennials as useless, lazy, dumb, over-entitled, fragile, self-righteous egomaniacs, there was pushback this week from an unlikely source.
Ibiza Weekender’s human foghorn David Potts, 30, who, with a sense of genuine endeavour, told some suitably impressed young Big Brother housemates: “You know when you just take a few steps back and look at what you’ve achieved and you think ‘wow’, I’ve just made a full English brekkie for everyone.”
Yeah, wow. I think a few apologies are in order.
Alexander The Great may have conquered everywhere from Greece to India by the time he was 30, but this guy has made a fry-up. For more than one person.
It marks him out as a totemic figure, among millennials, obviously.
Little monster
However, if one or two of you are still wondering “Who the f* is David Potts?” I’d guide you to his IMDB entry, where you’ll find a catalogue of everything that’s wrong with television and Britain, from Celebs Go Dating and Celebrity Ghost Trip to Celebs On The Farm and Celebrity Karaoke Club.
Currently, though, David is the trouserless Tannoy on the 23rd series of Celebrity Big Brother, where even he’s struggled to make himself heard over the din of two completely incompatible but equally unlikeable groups of housemates.
On one side of this generational divide you’ve got the under-40s, who include: David, Strictly’s Nikita Kuzmin, Bradley Riches (search me), West End star Marisha Wallace, “TV presenter” Zeze Millz and Ekin-Su Culculoglu, who looks unfavourably upon anyone who dares suggest Love Island was “a holiday”, as it’s the closest thing she’s ever had to gainful employment.
On the other, there are gnarly, damaged old sods like Sharon Osbourne, “fragile” Fern Britton, Louis Walsh and Real Housewife of Cheshire Lauren Simon, who threw my favourite tantrum of the series when she accused Zeze of “Never asking me about my job”.
A sin of omission that’s right up there with never asking Sharon Osbourne about her rugby league career or Zeze where she keeps her Pulitzer Prize.
The unlikely star of the show and focus for most of its rancour, though, has been Louis Walsh.
Indeed, we’ve learnt more about Louis in three weeks of CBB than we did in nearly two decades of X Factor, and none of it is good.
He’s a toxic, back-stabbing little monster, in fact, who’s rarely in the same postcode as the truth but breached new ground when he told the others: “I don’t hold grudges at all.”
Doesn’t hold grudges? He’s Father O’Grudge, Grudge Dredd, Barnaby fecking Grudge and seems to hold them with everyone he’s ever worked with, but especially Jedward and Ronan Keating, who’s “a p*k”, apparently.
Ten or more years ago and in the right setting, this would, of course, have made Louis Walsh absolute television gold.
But that setting should be Channel 4 or Channel 5, not ITV, where the strange, prime-time presence of Big Brother, every night, just seems to be further proof ITV are at war with their own viewers and history.
I say further proof because I’ve thought it ever since ITV replaced GMB’s Piers Morgan with Ed Balls and Adil Ray, turned Coronation Street into an even more insufferably woke soap than EastEnders and flooded the network with drab, worthy, centre-left dramas like Breathtaking that also belong, if anywhere, on Channel 4.
The execs clearly haven’t noticed what they’re doing, though, as they’ve spent the series boasting that Celebrity Big Brother, with Louis Walsh, launched with 2.8million viewers.
A figure that sounds impressive until you remember X Factor, with Louis Walsh, pulled in 19.4million viewers and they haven’t come close to repeating that success with any subsequent shows.
That’s also part of the reason why ITV’s currently experiencing its worst advertising downturn since the financial crisis of 2008 and has just been handing out redundancy notices to some of its own workers.
A process that’ll likely continue for as long as execs put their own niche middle-class preferences and political prejudices ahead of ITV viewers’ more mainstream tastes.
As for David Potts, though?
The sky’s the limit, and if he’s cooking breakfast, at the tender age of 30, it’s not impossible to imagine David could even be dressing himself properly by the time he hits the big four zero.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
CELEBRITY Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “In March 1945 American forces captured a bridge at Remagen which allowed them to cross which river and advance towards Berlin?”
Karim Zeroual: “The Nile.” Clive Myrie: “In an alphabetical list of UN member states, the name of which Asian country comes between Jamaica and Jordan?”
Karim Zeroual: “Iran.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “During its summer, the South Pole typically experiences 24 hours of constant light from which celestial body?” Sam: “The eye.”
Ben Shephard: “What is the maximum age of someone described as a nonagenarian?”
Jen: “18.”
Random TV irritations
CELEBRITY Big Brother making AJ Odudu look like she’s been styled by the bloke who operates Stansted airport’s suitcase-wrapping machine.
Nearly five wretched hours of Comic Relief turning into a cult of Lenny Henry meeting.
The second electric vehicle task of a very lame Apprentice series.
And Celebrity Bake Off’s Suzi Ruffell, where the very best you can say is that at least she has the self-doubt to match her very obvious lack of comedy talent.
Fellow contestant Munya Chawawa genuinely thinks he’s funny.
THE worst possible news from Derek Thompson’s last-ever appearance on Casualty: “It looks like Charlie’s going to need theatre.”
Mother Goose updates to follow.
GIO’S DU BEKE & SQUALL
SOMETHING odd happened during Anton du Beke and Giovanni Pernice’s Adventures In Spain, halfway between Seville and Marbella, on BBC1, Monday night.
One minute the Strictly pair were quietly contemplating a majestic Andalusian vista from a viewing platform in Ronda.
The next, a backing track had kicked in and they were performing a full-on song and dance version of Together, Wherever We Go, the old Bette Midler number from Gypsy.
A decidedly mixed blessing, because they can both move, obviously, and with a fair wind and an Aldi bag for life at his disposal, Anton can just about hold a tune.
But when Giovanni set about the opening verse I thought, for a second, someone had snagged a passing vulture straight in the goolies with a catapult from the fourth floor of their hotel.
It was a noise no one who heard it is ever likely to forget. There was no let up, though.
They saw it right through to the bitter end and then, like trained psychopaths, carried on the travelogue as if nothing untoward had happened, cheerfully telling us: “We’re off again on the next part of our trip.”
Admittedly, it could’ve been even more mortifying if Giovanni’s former Strictly partner Amanda Abbington had popped out from behind one of the date palms and joined in on backing vocals.
But if that song and dance routine isn’t the centrepiece of tonight’s Gogglebox derision and its 2024 review of the year, something’s gone hideously wrong with that show.
NEARLY five hours into Comic Relief’s farewell grovel, Alex Jones finally ran out of OTT compliments to pay Lenny Henry, so instead she said: “None of us ever expected this, we sort of thought, didn’t we, that you were just going to go on and on and on and on.”
He did and he will, Alex.
On and on and on and on and . . .
Great sporting insights
SEAN DYCHE: “It’s about how quickly a team can counter the counter attack and then counter their counter to counter the counter.”
Paul Merson: “If England win our first two games and don’t have a third game, Kane will play in that game.”
And Martin Keown: “I’d rather have a full quartet of players on the pitch, 11.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
TV GOLD
DAVE MYERS reaching his final turn in the road, with the overwhelming love of Si King to support him, on The Hairy Bikers Go West (BBC2).
Vince Vaughan’s brilliantly understated performance as Freddy Funkhouser on Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Storyville’s Jonestown: Terror In The Jungle, on BBC4, though it needed editing down.
And Real Time’s Bill Maher taking his New Rules flame-thrower to television’s self-fulfilling obsession with mental health: “Every bad feeling isn’t a disease. Sometimes being on the spectrum is just a hall pass for being a jerk.”
Hear hear.
OPTIMIST of the week. Naked Attraction: “I’m Jane, I’m 45 and I’m a women’s empowerment coach.
“I help women feel free in their bodies by covering them in paint. We get into this high vibe of energy.
“I love astrology, I do a lot with the moon cycle. I’m hoping Naked Attraction can help me find a man . . . ”
Man? They’ve all gone, Jane. Through the window, down the fire escape and up the road, at mach ten. GONE.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month.
This Morning, Ashley James: “We can all laugh at the term woke, but woke is a good thing.”
Celebrity Big Brother, David Potts: “I’m a really sound person, to be fair. You’re in for a treat.”
And Comic Relief, Davina McCall: “Sir Lenny, you are 100 per cent totally and utterly irreplaceable. Am I right here?”
Totally and utterly, 100 per cent not.
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Paloma Faith’s Paul Hollywood biscuit portrait, from Celebrity Bake Off, and Dave Lee Travis, the Hairy Cornflake.
Sent in by Chas G, Hants.