I’m amazing in bed with my lover but can’t even perform with a girlfriend
DEAR DEIDRE: Sex became an embarrassing problem with my partner . . . so I started an affair.
Now I can only perform with my lover, but I love my girlfriend and don’t want to break up my relationship.
I’m 38 and my partner is 36. We’ve been together for seven years.
Everything was great between us, until I started finding it difficult to perform in bed.
It began when I had too much to drink one night. Soon it was happening every time we tried to have sex.
My partner told me not to worry, but I lost all confidence.
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Then I discovered she’d shared my intimate problem with her best friend.
I was angry and we had a huge row. I stormed out to the pub, where I then got chatting to a woman in her early twenties, who made it very clear that she fancied me. I ended up going home with her.
And it was such an exciting and naughty situation, everything worked perfectly.
Since then, we’ve slept together several times. The sex is always great.
It makes me feel like a proper man again.
But I don’t want to be with this woman. She’s sweet but not very interesting.
It’s my partner who I love. I feel so guilty.
The problem is, every time I try to have sex with my partner, I still can’t get an erection.
There’s clearly nothing physically wrong with me if I can manage it with my lover.
What should I do?
I don’t want to give up my lover if it means never having sex again.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Erection problems have a variety of causes, which can be physical or psychological.
Your instincts sound spot on – you fall into the latter. Most likely the vicious cycle began after your first failed erection, the more it happened, the more you worried, and the more ingrained the issue became.
The reason sex works with your lover is because you’re not putting any pressure on yourself to perform in that scenario.
When you try to have sex with your partner, all your old anxieties come back. You’re also angry with her for breaking your confidence, and now you feel guilty too.
End your affair before someone gets hurt and work on your relationship.
Take things slowly in bed, focusing on your girlfriend, rather than rushing to have intercourse.
My support packet Erection Problems should help.
If things don’t improve, think about having some sex therapy.
My support pack on this has more information about this.