Five Dumb Predictions for the 2024 MLB Season

Dumbly going where no man has dumbly prognosticated before...

The 2024 Major League Baseball Season begins its grind on the morrow, with 30 organizations of varying professionalism attempting to claim that spiky trophy and the ability to hang a banner in their outfield that says World Series.

There will be predictable outcomes. There will be epic surprises. There will copious, copious amounts of dumb along the way.

Here are Five Dumb Predictions for how the 2024 season plays out:

Wyatt Langford goes mini-Mac, leads AL in dingers while winning Rookie of the Year

Wyatt Langford was drafted 4th overall in last summer’s MLB Draft and promptly socked his way all the way to AAA in just 44 games. In that time, he socked 10 homers, walked more (36) than he struck out (34), and posted a ridiculoust 1.157 OPS in 200 PA. The thrashing continued through Cactus League play, so much so that the Texas Rangers - already flush with riches - announced he would make the Opening Day roster and serve as the team’s primary DH (while backing up all three OF spots).

I think it’s just a matter of time before he rockets towards superstardom, and his rookie campaign will look dang near McGwireian (minus the andro). I say he leads the AL in homers en route to winning AL ROY.

The Yankees and Red Sox stink and finish last and almost-last in the AL East

This is one part sentimentality, one part stating the obvious.

The Boston Red Sox stunk last year, finishing 6 games under .500 and in dead last in the AL East. They also waived goodbye to Justin Turner, who was one of their lone consistent peformers, while trading away Chris Sale, too. That traded landed them Vaughn Grissom from Atlanta, who is hurt, while their other notable move of the winter was to acquire Alex Verdugo from the Yankees, who is about as lukewarm toast as it gets.

The Yankees, meanwhile, swung big to land Juan Soto, giving Juan Soto yet another year to be a really good player on a really mediocre team. Gerrit Cole, though, has a bum arm and will miss time, while Marcus Stroman - a deal I actually like - represents the lone ‘big’ spend from the biggest franchise in the game.

What gives?

Not only do these old teams look fragile (as DJ LeMahieu will now begin the season on the IL, too), they look un-fresh. All that in a division that features the burgeoning Orioles, everpresent Rays, and nipping-at-the-bud Blue Jays. The Red Sox and Yankees, long bastions of baseball, will both stink this year and finish fighting for the bottom of their division (all while being on national television 1000000% more often than the Orioles or Reds).

The Colorado Rockies lose 121 games

I like Nolan Jones. I really think Nolan Jones is on to something big, especially spraying liners all over the place with Coors Field’s massive outfield as his home park.

The rest of the Rockies, though?

Yeeeeesh.

Their threadbare pitching is about to get a thorough workout in that NL West, and I think this might be the year where Bud Black finally just throws in the towel and tries to finish a game himself. This team is awful, their ownership is awful-er, and they are steamrolling towards a finish that’s the worst in the modern era of baseball.

Enjoy, Kris Bryant!

The Detroit Tigers steal the AL Central crown

The Tigers just watched as their crosstown comrades bulled their way to an NFC North crown, and they’re fresh and ready to make this a full-on Detroit Renaissance.

After a full decade of being mired in a dismal rebuild, Detroit has built up a starting rotation full of power arms and an outfield that’s poised to pop around young (and healthy) Riley Greene. On top of that, former #1 overall pick Spencer Torkelson turned the corner mid-year last year and looks primed to sock nearly a billion dingers for the Tigers, who’ll emerge from a lackluster American League Central division mid-summer as a frontrunner candidate and use the trade deadline to put themselves over the top and into the playoffs.

Maybe that’s going after Matt Chapman at the trade deadline when the Giants inevitably fall out of the race, or even swinging for Cody Bellinger when the Cubs are buried by the Reds come July. Either way, Detroit is on the up and up, and the up begins in 2024

Vladdy Junior hits (Wyatt Langford minus 1) homers, leads Toronto to World Series glory

I picked Toronto to win the World Series last year, and I’m sticking with them in what will hopefully be a healthier year for them in 2024.

No, they did not sign Shohei Ohtani. No, they did not retain Chapman.

No, they did not really do a whole lot to augment their pitching staff, while they did add Turner to their already potent lineup.

I think 2023 was a blip year, though. Their core of Guerrero, Bo Bichette, and Kevin Gausman still remains as elite as it gets, while George Springer is bound to be more healthy in ‘24 than he was last year. On top of that, they’ll be getting a boost from a AAA prospect who’s coming off a rolled ankle in the preseason who’ll bring the kind of added pop from the left-side of the plate they’ll need by late April, and his hitting prowess will emanate throughout the dugout and into the ears of the younger hitters on the club looking to take the next step.

The talent is there. The guru will be there soon.

The end result? Your 2024 World Series champs, the Toronto Blue Jays.