How Much Crow Would a Show Host Eat If a Show Host Could Eat Crow

On March 22 Kate Middleton, Princess of Wales, sternly sat on a bench and let us know — in the way only a not-mad-just-disappointed mom can — that the party was over. There was no juicy soap-opera scandal about her absence, no courtly drama unfolding behind the palace walls; she simply got the same kind of bad news people all over the world get every day: She has cancer. It was the ultimate whomp-whomp ending to a month of wild, hedonic speculation driven largely by the information vacuum that was a very bad palace-PR strategy. As the weeks wore on, “Kate Middleton” quickly became a highly valuable search term, making any and all mention of her a lucrative topic for anyone whose business relied on getting people to look at advertising (see: all of television and media). Now, in the sober light of day, some are feeling the need to make amends for how they chose to capitalize on the story for their own gain.

The Monday after Middleton announced her cancer diagnosis, The View hosts expressed remorse, particularly to Whoopi Goldberg, who had warned them against frivolous speculation. Over on The Talk, host Sheryl Underwood asked for Middleton’s forgiveness directly. (The Talk airs in the U.K. on something called Diva TV.) And then there’s Stephen Colbert who, before it was revealed that Middleton has cancer, did an extended bit at the end of his monologue on March 12 about the rumored affair between Rose Hanbury, Marchioness of Cholmondeley, and Prince William. While most of the bit’s jokes are about how extremely silly the name “Cholmondeley” is, every Real Housewives fan knows that to even say out loud on TV that someone’s husband is rumored to have cheated is among the lowest of all blows. However, he didn’t offer the full mea culpa when he addressed the story on his March 25 episode. Instead, he soberly offered: “We do a lot of shows!”

In the end, if you live in a castle and collect tens of millions of dollars a year in passive income, the world cannot afford to owe you much else. However, I do think it is nice for celebrities to demonstrate shame, if only to preserve this rapidly dying cultural practice. “When I made those jokes, that upset some people,” Colbert acknowledged, possibly referencing the letter he received from Hanbury’s lawyers after the segment aired. “There’s a standard that I try to hold myself to and that is that I do not make light of someone else’s tragedy,” he said, before wishing the princess a “swift and thorough” recovery, eating just enough crow to express general remorse but not so much that it could be used against him in a court of law. So that’s like a wing and a foot.