Ask Amy: Sharing in-law unit causes problems
Dear Amy: We are having an issue with our daughter and son-in-law regarding the use of a guesthouse. They live a day’s drive from us, so when we visit we like to stay for several days. We try to visit at least monthly.
We decided to find a home that had a mother-in-law unit separate from the main house.
We helped (substantially) in the purchase of their home in order to have this unit be our separate space.
We felt this was a better option than buying a small studio or condo (about the same amount regarding the investment) to be close to them and the grandchildren.
They were excited to do this with us.
Now they are using it as a guesthouse for friends when we are not there.
Often it isn’t as clean as we leave it, and there has been conflict at times with friends visiting when we planned to be there.
We don’t feel comfortable sharing our private space. We have talked with them several times about our feelings, but the issue keeps recurring.
Are we wrong to ask them not to have guests stay in our place?
— Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: You helped substantially with the purchase of this home, but you don’t seem to actually own this separate unit, and so this whole arrangement is riding on an understanding.
Your daughter is not respecting the original intent or the impact on you, but if she doesn’t respect your wishes and sensitivities after discussing this several times, the issue reveals how she and her husband regard you.
You are not “wrong” to expect exclusive use of this guesthouse, but you should realize that going to the mat over this could affect your relationship in the longer term.
If both parties agree that this is “your” unit, you could install a lock with a changeable code; if they would like to borrow the unit for guests, they would have to contact you for the code. This would at least put you in charge of access to the unit.
Dear Amy: I am 20 and my girlfriend of six months is 19.
Ever since we started dating, she seems to go out of her way to tell me whenever a guy hits on her, compliments her, or flirts with her.
She’s gorgeous and so I totally understand that this is going to happen.
I completely trust her, but when we started going out I told her that I don’t really need to hear about every time a guy compliments her. I told her that I know these things happen, but that I don’t need to hear about it.
Finally, I flat-out asked her to stop reporting these things to me.
Yesterday she was headed to her friend’s house and told me that her friend’s brother has a crush on her.
Why does she do this? I feel like breaking up with her, not because I’m jealous of other guys, but because she seems to enjoy rubbing my face in the attention she receives from other guys.
— Stymied Student
Dear Student: I think your girlfriend does this in part because she is insecure, and this is her way of testing your relationship.
You’ve asked her to stop doing this, but you don’t seem to have asked her to tell you why she does it.
I suspect that your girlfriend is immature and that this gamesmanship is how she has gained social currency in the past.
Additionally, it’s possible that she believes that jealousy and drama are a necessary component to relationships.
You should ask her how she would feel if you behaved this way.
She might admit that having a partner who is desired by others is how she gauges her own awesomeness.
If you believe that this behavior reveals an essential difference between the two of you, then it would be best to break up and find someone whose maturity and values align more closely with your own.
Dear Amy: Regarding “Curious Granny,” the grandmother that didn’t want to give a gift to her grandchildren’s baby half-sibling, I have grandchildren who also have a half-sibling.
Like Curious, I also do not like this child’s mother. But in the past seven years I never treated him differently, and he has become as precious to me as the other three.
If I had acted like that grandma, I would’ve missed out on so much.
— Bonus Nana
Dear Bonus: You’ve set a great example for these kids — and the adults in their lives.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)