God Leaves a Voice Message for Jesus on Holy Saturday
Hi, Jesus. It’s Pop. Just got your message. Sorry I missed you yesterday. It was kind of wild around her. A good Friday it was not. You wouldn’t believe everything going on with this farkakte universe. Expanding and expanding and expanding, we can’t keep up! And all these bad things happening to good people? Don’t get me started. We’re trying to fix that bug, but it’s a real head-scratcher, you don’t want to know.
Anyway, no rest for the divine. So, as I said, I got your message. And, look, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t forsaken you. You think I’d forsake you? I seem like a forsaker to you? What do you want me to do? I was on another line, that’s it.
You know I’ve always been there for you. You’re my number-one boy! Remember that time we did the trick with the wine? Oh, the loaves, the fishes, the things we could do. By the way, how’s Lazarus holding up? A real mensch that guy. You should be so lucky to have a friend like him.
Speaking of nogoodniks, that gang you go around with, I’m not so confident about them. They don’t have jobs to go to? All the time, keeping you from your carpentry. You think those bookshelves are going to build themselves? I hate to say it, but I don’t think they’re a very good influence on you, these boys. You mentioned you were having supper with them this week. Do me a big favor and make it the last. Would you do this thing for me? I don’t trust them, especially that one fellow, what’s his name? Juno? Jonah? He has a look. I’m not so crazy about that look.
Tell me the truth, are you in some kind of trouble? I checked in on you last Sunday and saw they were giving you a nice welcome parade in Jerusalem. They throw a good parade in Jerusalem, very pleasant with the hosannahs and the palm branches.
But your message about forgiving them because they know not what they do? That’s a little worrisome to me. Who do I need to forgive? Forgive what? If someone’s being mean to you in some unpleasant way, I want to hear about it. You tell me and I will smite them. I will smite them in a heartbeat. I haven’t had a good smiting since before you were born. When would that have been? Ugh, my memory. I’d have to check the Old Testament, wherever that is…
You’re a prince, don’t forget that, and people should treat you like a prince. No, you’re a king—a king of the Jews! You keep telling people that. You tell them you’re my son. That’ll take care of everything, believe me.
Kind of playing prayer tag here… I know, I know, you’re a busy guy. Hope you’re having a good weekend. You’re not working on Shabbat, are you? Out ministering to lepers and whores, probably. Why can’t you find a nice girl? Remember, all work and no play makes Christ a dull messiah.
You should get some rest, maybe. What I would say to you is go sit in the dark for a day or two and forget about things. You’ll come out refreshed, trust me.
Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you for putting your spirit into my hands. That’s very nice. I promise I’ll take good care of it. Just let me know when you want it back.
Okay, I gotta go. Big solar eclipse is coming up. They’re not going to believe their eyes when they see this thing.
Again, sorry to leave you hanging. Maybe I can see you tomorrow? And say hello to your mother for me.