Ex-Yosemite Climbers Propose Interactive “Stonemaster Experience”
Climbing and other outdoor news outlets received a strange “proposal” over the weekend, apparently authored by a collective of former Stonemasters. Per their statement, the group consists of a dozen aging climbers who were active in Yosemite Valley during the 1970s. The signatories declined to identify themselves, only noting that, “We were around, and it was way [expletive] harder back in the ‘70s.”
Due to the use of exceedingly foul language (which Climbing has redacted), and a gargantuan scope, decrying everything from bolts to belay glasses, Climbing is unable to republish the proposal in its entirety.
In summary, however, the group is proposing an interactive “Stonemaster Experience” for modern climbers who want to “really know what it was like to climb hard.” The group believes that newer climbers do not appreciate the Valley’s rich climbing history, and hope to increase awareness of the sport’s storied past.
Participating climbers will be plied with large quantities of marijuana and hallucinogenic substances, such as LSD and psilocybin mushrooms, before being allowed to rope up. “Our weed wasn’t as strong back then,” the proposal writes in an all-too-frequent tangent, “but that’s the point. It wasn’t the high that got you, it was the smoke inhalation. You had to take, like, twenty rips to feel a thing. Try leading long pitches with your lungs gassed like that!”
The proposal continues: “That’s what it’s about. We partied back then. Climbing in the Valley today is a yuppie joke, with too much beta, nutrition, and sobriety.”
In addition to ensuring that participating climbers are heavily drugged, the Stonemaster Climbing Experience will also consist of sleeping in canvas tents with dirty-underwear pillows, and a diet of canned cat food, crackers, and alcohol.
Participating climbers who want to receive the experience’s highest honor, dubbed the “Stonemaster Badge,” will also be injected with at least one sexually transmitted disease. “We didn’t have time to go to the doctor back then,” the proposal reads. “You just got on with it.”
The proposal’s core assertion is that there are unconsidered components which factored into “climbing hard” in the 1970s. “Everyone knows the shoes weren’t sticky, ropes weren’t light, pro wasn’t safe, and harnesses weren’t comfortable back then,” the statement says. “But the drugs, the sex, the alcohol, the parties, the bad hygiene… it was all part of the game. So if you want to come to the Yosemite Valley and climb routes we put up, the least you can do is walk the walk like we did. The Stonemaster Experience will give climbers that opportunity.”
Happy April 1st!
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