“Gladiator combat” to replace dispute resolution between students

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

University President Richard Saller announced reforms to Stanford’s conduct process today. Saller introduced the “gladiator combat” model as a stepping stone in response to recent free speech controversies.

“In light of recent debate over Stanford’s free speech rules, I am proud to announce that the University’s conduct processes will be replaced by gladiator combat,” Saller said in a statement to the Stanford community.

The Office of Community Standards (OCS), the primary Stanford office that oversees conduct procedure, will see significant overhaul due to the reforms. OCS will be moved from its Tresidder location. They plan to house OCS in a Roman coliseum to be constructed off campus. Additionally, OCS will be renamed as the Office of Gladiator Combat (OGC).

Saller, a scholar of Roman history, remarked, “You will no longer need to go speak before a conduct panel of your peers. Going forward, members of the Stanford community will be able to sort out their differences amongst themselves.”

“These changes are long overdue. I wish that it did not take the more recent free speech controversies to take such action, but I am still glad that President Saller grew a spine and took this step,” said a student serving on the Student Advisory Board on Conduct Affairs who requested anonymity due to fears of retaliation by amateur gladiators. 

The Roman Students Association wrote to The Daily that “We are looking forward to working with the University to make sure that everything from the construction of the coliseum to the metalworking of the swords to be used are all as culturally sensitive as possible.”

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